ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Treasurer, Dr. Jimothy Chalmers, has said tomorrow’s budget will be tough but fair.

“Tough but fair, but ultimately good if you’re old as shit and rich as hell,” said Dr. Chalmers. Despite this, he mentioned that this budget will work to slay the inflation beast that’s currently wreaking havoc on the economy, forcing working families to tighten their spending while decreasing productivity.

Sections of the economy that are fueling the inflation issue are the same ones that need political support to survive, leaving the Treasurer with little else in his repertoire than austerity measures that could harm young families.

“Unfortunately, we have a significant number of wealthy people who are also old as shit,” said Dr. Chalmers.

“We also have hundreds of thousands of people lining up to come here and ‘study.’ I say ‘study’ with air quotes because they essentially come here to work and pay tax, which is great for us. High house prices are also beneficial. Property taxes, stamp duties for states, etc. All good. Having older, wealthy Australians spending as if any day could be their last is also beneficial for the economy. Large corporations like banks, mining companies, airlines, and others making massive profits are also good for the economy,”

“But all these factors contribute to inflation, which we need to get under control. However, I can’t tax mining companies much. I can’t deport all these low-skilled foreign worker-students when their visas expire. I can’t implement an inheritance tax to level the playing field for those born in disadvantaged areas to less fortunate parents. I can’t tax one-time gifts of a house deposit between family members. I can’t prohibit foreigners from buying Australian property. So much is tied to property prices; crashing them dramatically overnight would cause chaos. Banks would fail, families would struggle. Our economy relies heavily on housing speculation, making it untouchable. Once you understand that, you’ll understand why it’s been left alone. Ever,”

“It could be supported by a resource royalty or tax like the rest of the developed world, but again, I’d have the Minerals Council going through my rubbish trying to find something to blackmail me with. So I can’t do that,”

“So for now, it’s just tough but fair budgets.”

More to come.


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