1 November, 2016. 10:23
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
HER BLOOD IS ON IT’S way to being thicker than toothpaste and husband Greg is growing more concerned as each day passes.
Four weeks has passed since Wanda Matthews, a freelance interior design consultant, stumbled upon more than just one article that spruiked the benefits of a diet that wholly consists of food traditionally eaten by the nation’s tradesmen – the “hi-vis” diet.
“I mean, just look at them,” explained the perennial 29-year-old.
“The tradesmen that I see are always gorgeous and all I see in those disgusting pigeon trap burger shops are men in high-visibility clothing. So I just connected the dots.”
“So I started eating there every day. I’ve tried everything on the menu more than once. My husband tries to explain to me that it’s fast food. Cunt, they take ages to make it. There’s nothing fast about it, but.” she said.
However, husband Greg’s concerns have been backed up by medical sciences and decades of research, not that it makes any difference to Wanda.
He first noticed the effects that Wanda’s new diet has having on her when she got puffed doing the ironing and lost her love of even the most basic exercise.
“I not the fittest bloke, but it’s a 3-minute walk to the shops and I rather enjoy the walk.” said Greg.
“Wanda drives down now, double parks outside the takeway and gets her works burger with double egg and drives home to scoff it down on the sofa. It’s madness. Now she’s writing about it on her blog, she reckons she’s never felt better.”
“Well I beg to differ. If her parents weren’t so old and rich, I’d say something. But as this rate, she won’t make it much past 50. Perhaps I should get her hooked on Peter Stuyvesants as well?”