ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Our Bloke-In-Chief Scott Morrison has told the nation to just “bloody have a holiday at home this year” because local economies need the income boost and “you could have the coronavirus.”

Or, he says, you could be forced to head on up to the best state in Australia on a working holiday because “there’s no rest for the wicked”.

“Oh, nah, you know, I’m not a wicked person but you bloody get what I’m putting down, hey?” laughed Scotty during a morning phone call with this masthead.

“Yeah but, oi. You know that I don’t really see eye to eye with the Betoooa Advocate on most things. I think we both have a deep love for fucken sport, whoops, can I say fuck in your newspaper? Actually, let me get back to you on that after a focus group,”

“Hey but you know what this time of year is like, it’s when the cockies make their hay. I’ve got old white pants McCormack in my ear with the lingo of the country and the old clippity clop of the bushman’s one-piece leather boot that is the RM. So oi, went the weather gets hot, you fucking bedwetting little cunts, take your wife and your fucking kids down to the beach and get a gut full of fucking cheap seafood and midstrength beer and maybe try one on with the missus,”

“But if you’re like me, you’ve got bloody work to do. So if you’re like me, a busy little bilby, just go on a working holiday up to Queensland and see all your mates up here. Like, I’ve got my laptop and shit up here so I can stay connected with the office and shit. Can be pretty ordinary, though, hey? Like you saw what those stinking fucking hippies did to my car in Brisbane? Fucken spewing. Fuck those bongheads, anyway. Fuck em. OK lads, good chatting. Won’t see me this time, no time to head out west. Righto.”

The Prime Minister then slammed the phone down but failed to hang the receiver up.

More to come.


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