Greg Inglis, one of rugby league’s most decorated players, has announced his immediate retirement from the game after a string of injuries and other off-field battles.

Namely, one particular incident at a community event in 2017, where he was tricked into a press-shot with Queensland politician Peter Dutton.

“I didn’t know who he was” Inglis told reporters at Redfern Oval today.

“But the mere skin contact nearly killed me. I was lucky there was some kids there that started crying at the sight of him, otherwise he probably would have left with my soul”

Inglis had previously said he planned to retire at the end of the 2020 season, but met with club officials this morning, and revealed his intentions at a press conference shortly afterwards.

“I just think it is time and the right decision for myself and I have been contemplating it for a while now”

“I still haven’t recovered from the dementor’s kiss. It caught me off-guard, and has caused great repercussions”

Inglis went on to describe the moment of sheer agony while shaking hands with the wraith-like creature.

“Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself… soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.”

“Thankfully, I was able to break the handshake off, but yes. I’ve had a niggling shoulder and knee ever since”

Inglis set the tone for his glittering career by scoring a try in his NRL debut for the Melbourne Storm in 2005, and went on to play 263 top grade games for that club and South Sydney.

He also scored in 18 State of Origin tries in 32 matches for Queensland, and played 39 Tests for Australia.

Peter Dutton was approached for comment in relation to his role in the premature retirement of one of Queensland’s greatest footballers, but our reporters were only able to get a hissing growl, as the Minister For Offshore Azkhabans eyes rolled back into his head, which began spinning in a 180 degree motion.


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