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“Ok. Ok. Ok!” shouted the cafe worker.
“Ok! I’ll talk”
It took a bit longer than they expected, but he broke. The Fox Sports Latrell Mitchell Department got what they needed. After a full morning scouring the streets of Redfern looking for the ‘Redfurnace’ cafe.
Redfurnace cafe owner Mario (28) has spent the last 5 hours being hit with phone books, and psychologically tormented by rigged polygraph machines – as the Fox Sports staff writers interrogate him for the most mundane intel on the life of Rabbitohs fullback Latrell Mitchell.
“Latrell had a piccolo and smashed av on toast. He was following correct social distancing so he just waited in the car and I delivered it to him on the street”
They got what they wanted.
The reporters quickly relay the information back to the Fox Sports office, for their unpaid interns to begin drafting the headline. The current working title for this 1000-word clickbait article is ’10 Things About Latrell Mitchell’s Breakfast Order That Proves He Is Lazy And Divisive’.
After writing 12 articles about Latrell Mitchell’s personal life in the last two days – the nameless losers writing speculative content for Fox Sports have been told to up their numbers.
The bosses want at least 24 Latrell Mitchell stories PER DAY – with a preference for articles that may encourage racist internet users to vilify him on social media.
Having run out of steam with the ’emotional break down’ angle, Latrell’s improvements on the field seem to have upset the rabid rugby league media, as they work relentlessly to create an Adam Goodes scenario out of this rising Indigenous talent.
Luckily for the game of rugby league, NRL fans realise it’s not in anyone’s best interests to vilify Aboriginal people they way they do in the AFL – even with the coke-addicted Murdoch journalists writing 50 stories a week in an effort to perpetuate the racist stereotypes to rile up the rednecks.
With the reporters now verballing information about the 23-year-old breakfast order, the cafe owner says he’s impressed these young players are able to last so long without snapping themselves.
While disappointed with himself for handing over the info about the smash av, Mario says it’s probably better that someone as inconsequential as him betrays young players, as opposed to the the former NRL legends that they grew up worshipping getting on TV and talking absolute shit on Fox Sports every night to remain relevant.
Mario also says that the Fox Sports are very lucky they walked into his gentrified cafe, and not the Greek coffee house next door.
An error that would have resulted in the reverse scenario, with the lowlife journalists being the ones tied to a chair and tortured out the back by the South Sydney life members Theo and Dom.