ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

John-Michael Tanbar’s lips have been sealed to Berlin’s bosom for nearly a year now and he told The Advocate that he’s never been happier.

The German happy-go-lucky sensibilities and their blasé, liberal attitude toward pretty much everything was just what the 27-year-old ceramic artist was looking for.

But there was always a small part of him that longed to be home in Betoota Grove.

The droll chatter of lawnmowers by day, a home-cooked meal by night in front of the ABC’s evening programming – in a word – heaven.

“But no,” he said today.

Taking to social media this afternoon [local time], the fired-up Virgo declared that he wouldn’t come home if Peter Dutton, a mildly popular backbencher, became Australia’s 30th Prime Miniter.

“If Peter Dutton becomes PM I’m never coming home. The fucking cockroach… Apologies to any offended cockroaches.**”

The status has made waves within his own personal echo-chamber, with a number of people on his friend’s list either liking or commenting that they also support his viewpoint.

However, one unintended reader of Mr Tanbar’s status was Peter Dutton himself.

Upon seeing and digesting what young John-Michael wrote, Mr Dutton told our reporters that he’s now reconsidering a second leadership spill.

Speaking to The Advocate via a popular encrypted end-to-end messenger service, Mr Dutton said his ‘feelings have been hurt’.

“I mean, I want people to like me,” wrote Dutton.

“It hurts when young, inner-city lefties call me ‘Potato’ and ‘Nazi Cocksucker’. And not just that, when I see the future of this country, people like John-Michael say they’ll never come home if I’m the Prime Minister,”

“It makes me reconsider. Do I even want to be PM? I don’t even know anymore.”

The exchange ended with Mr Dutton’s office promising to stop sending unmarked envelopes of suspicious white powder to our South Betoota newsroom – as the families of the four receptionists who’ve since died from exposure to anthrax are demanding answers.

More to come.


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