RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact

A recent poll has revealed that Victorian Premier Dan Andrews could be caught poisoning dogs for fun in Fitzroy Gardens and still be the preferred premier over any nut-job from the Victorian Liberals.

Andrews would not even have to be sneaky about it. He could poison them openly, in broad daylight and in front of young families with small children having a picnic, and voters would still pick him instead of the Libs, according to the poll.

It appears that Andrews’ ability to maintain popularity despite hypothetical puppy-poisoning scenarios and even real-world shockers like cancelling the Commonwealth Games and taking ‘donations’ from developers is not so much a testament to his hold on the hearts and
minds of Victorians, but more an indication of just how shambolic an excuse for a party the Vic Libs really are.

The Advocate understands that Question 4 of the poll asked voters to ‘describe in 25 words or less your view of the Victorian Liberal Party’. Utilising the power of A.I, researchers were able to collate the top three most recurring words in response to the question, which were, in ascending order; ‘incompetent’, ‘flaccid’, and ‘cunts’.

“It’s truly a bizarre phenomenon,” said Professor Cathy Jenkins, an expert in political science at the University of Betoota’s Fitzroy campus.

“On one side you’ve got a premier with a sort of magical Teflon-coated reputation. Nothing sticks to him. While on the other you’ve got an
entire party that can only elicit total revulsion in voters any time it blows its nose.”

The poll’s results have left the Vic Libs in a state of confused bewilderment, their usual state of being.

“We are at a loss here,” said a Liberal spokesperson. “We’ve tried everything in the Murdoch-Playbook to take down Dictator Dan, but it’s as if voters would rather let someone who openly kills puppies in public parks through deadly poisons like arsenic and rat-pellets – really sadistic shit that the poll suggested he’d even brag about later on social media – than vote for us again.”

The Advocate understands the Libs are now seeking advice from their Federal Leader, Peter Dutton, on how they can better appeal to voters.

More to come.


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