Prime Minister Scott Morrison has revealed a new plan that would see welfare recipients required to undergo drug testing, with those who test positive to be forced onto a Centrelink income-management scheme, which controls how a recipient spends their money.

Local poverty-stricken drug user, Blake Austron (30) – who smokes marijuana as a cheap, dosile alternative to alcohol that helps to take the pain away from the trauma he carries from a childhood of horrific abuse – says not having access to his welfare payments is just the right amount of empowerment needed to get him out of the housos.

“I just need to be restricted from making my own adult decisions,” he says.

“I know the budget will be criticised heavily, but people should know that these career public servants in Canberra do actually know what’s best for the downtrodden”

“I think allowing my mental health problems to take complete control of my life is what’s best for me right now”

However, while the government has been criticised for the imminent recession, local liberal staffer, Wyatt Andrich (22) says it couldn’t possibly be because of the proposed drug testing program for Centrelink customers.

“It’s going to poll really well in the suburbs” says Mr Andrich, while erratically wiping his nose and giggling at mundane comments.

“The poor people drugs aren’t popular with Joe six-pack in the homeland suburbs Weed, ice… even tobacco. It’s a popular thing to hate”

“That’s why we are only testing for weed and ice”

After briefly pausing the interview to use the bathroom, Mr Andrich returned to say to that welfare management has worked very well in other parts of the world.

“Just look at post-war Queensland”

“We wouldn’t have half the infrastructure we have up there if the Pacific islander were being paid in cash”

When asked if possibly testing other recipients of tax payer salaries for ilicit substances was also something to consider, Mr Andrich says there’s no point and that it doesn’t make sense and why bother.

“Seriously! Why bother!?” he says loudly.

“[sniffs] It’s too much work. It doesn’t make sense”

“It’s the welfare recipients that need to be tested”

Our interview then ended, following the ‘ding’ of the microwave in Wyatt’s kitchen.

“Alright. You lot can get out of here now” yells Wyatt, while retrieving an empty white plate with a tea towel.

“Our boys!” he shouts to his colleagues currently smoking ciggies out the back.

“We’re on here”


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