ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

An Apple Vision Pro has been glued onto the head of former Prime Minister Paul Keating this afternoon in an effort to keep him docile and quiet for the foreseeable future.

The move was greenlit by the Federal Government, a significant target for Mr Keating’s criticisms as of late – and Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has had enough.

Mr Albanese explained the ruse to our reporter during his biweekly content strategy call he has with The Advocate’s editorial team.

“You know, uh, we all love Paul, uh, but, uh, yeah, there’s certainly a level of Paul that is too much,” said Albo.

“And it’s getting beyond the pale, uh, in that we were able to tolerate his criticisms of the submarine deal and, uh, you know, putting the dog up China over the spicy cough, but, uh, and this latest salvo against Penny Wong today, I mean, he’s a man possessed,”

“So I’ve had him placed into a virtual reality where it’s 1998 and John Howard is getting under his skin. I think it’s for the best. We’ve programmed Little Johnny to keep saying that he’s having to undo all the damage that the Keating Government did to the economy. Nothing gets him worked up more. Actually, we had an AI version Barnaby Joyce running over grandfather clocks in a D6. That damn near killed Paul so we scaled that back to Johnny,”

“We all love Paul but this is for the best. He needs to shut up and fuck off. It’s time.”

More to come.


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