After two weeks of slaving over the decision to turn their backs on the only political ideology they have ever stood for, the National Party has reluctantly agreed to sign up to a net zero emissions target by 2050.

This comes despite the opposition of leader Barnaby Joyce and other major players within the Morrison government’s inconveniently rural allies.

Their decision to support Scotty From Marketing in his new bid to impress Boris Johnson and Joe Biden by pretending to believe the climate scientists he actively campaigned against last election, comes in exchange for a regional transition package and an extra cabinet position.

In a two-hour long partyroom meeting on Sunday, Joyce said the party had agreed to a “process” to support the net zero target, dependent on cabinet signing off on a package that would protect regional economies that will succumb to horrible things like crystal meth and mice plagues if tax-dodging multinational mining corporations are unable to pillage the earth without any checks or balances.

While details of the package are yet to be made public, it is understood it includes a new regional future fund and an extra cabinet position that is expected to go to the resources minister, Keith Pitt MP, who actually says he does not believe 99% of the worlds scientists are telling the truth when it comes to their research into the affects of burning fossil fuels at an accelerating rate for 200 years.

Since giving their word to support to the plan, Senator Matt Canavan, Llew O’Brien MP and Georgie Christensen MP have vocally spoken out against the decision. in fact it seems that absolutely none of the Nats are willing to put their name to supporting the idea, with party’s Senate leader, Bridget McKenzie, also spoke against supporting the deal, and suggested Joyce could yet secure more for the party through the cabinet process.

However, throughout the last fortnight’s negotiations, no one has railed against Net Zero more than the National Party’s most prominent policymaker and unofficial leader: multi-billionaire mining baron Gina Rhinehart.

It is believed that Joyce had tried to keep their number one donor’s involvement in the discussions a secret from the media, but this was foiled yesterday afternoon when Rhinehart forgot to exit the party room through Parliament House’s secret side door, usually reserved for Hillsong founder Brian Houston.

“Oh well” sighed Barnaby Joyce, after being photographed walking through the Parliament courtyard with Rhinehart and the rest of the National Party heavweights.

“I guess everyone already knew, right?”


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