The Nation

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Dolphins haven't been seen in Doug Hanratty's body for decades but now that he's been effectively locked up for three weeks, those dolphins have started to return. For over twenty years, the 35-year-old has dumped vast quantities of drugs and alcohol into the many canals and passages that criss-cross his pathetic meat sack. Doug's time in...

INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer | Contact "What in green Jesus is going on?" she yelled, making her lapsed Catholic mother cringe. "Are we in lockdown? What the fuck is lockdown? I've got a gathering tonight!" Rachael Slade's gathering tonight is cancelled. In fact, most of her social engagements are on hold for the time being - much the same as most...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The nation is today preparing for the worst, as the Coronavirus curve looks set to spike rapidly over the next few days. This comes after a super-spreader visited millions of homes overnight. The spreader, being named by authorities as the 'Easter Bunny,' reportedly escaped from a wet market, before bouncing around the nation's homes. "We are still exploring...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The warm smell of perfectly cooked chocolate brownies circled around Sammy Lee’s apartment this morning, before being followed by the distinct smell of something burning. Having been in lockdown for a month, Sammy thought it was time to test out her baking skills on her soon to be husband, Josh.  With no previous experience and no quality control, Sammy smugly pulled...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The palms are sweaty, knees weak and arms are heavy for a cunning couple this morning as they drive across town for a non-essential trip to their favourite bakery to pick up some fresh hot cross buns.  “I feel so naughty” whispered Sophia Milano to her boyfriend James Hinkley.  Sophia and James rose early this morning to avoid being seen by police as they...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Isolation started with high hopes and dreams of self-development and productivity, but as one Betoota Sounds woman is today realising, isolation is proving to just be more time to be the exact same unproductive person you were on the outside world. Two weeks ago, Carissa Smith reached out to her Instagram followers for book recommendations. Now those books lay...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact While most of the nation grapples with the change in routine and social isolation, one local cocky says he’s not finding it too bad.  “I’m not finding it too bad” he said. In fact, Barry Hinchcliffe, or Bazza for short, has been self-isolating and working from home ever since he moved back to his family property 34km east of Betoota.  “Yeh,...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT After enduring the consecutive crises of Drought, Fire, Flood, Toilet Paper Shortage and COVID-19 Social Isolation, Australians are keen for the virus to hurry up and bugger off so they can prepare for the next shitstorm, whatever it may be. “I guess I can count myself lucky” said Betoota farmer Lachlan Farrier, 48. “The crops all died due to...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact As Virgin enters Ansett territory, a local man has decided to spend his Velocity points on a fancy new juicer - rather than let them wash away like the sandcastle that airline has proven to be. He was careful with his decision, he weighed up whether he needed mixers and a toaster more but he...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The sleepy beachside community of Lake Betoota is usually a hive of activity right now. The only road in is thick with holidaymakers. Families. People from the city here in Betoota heading out to have a well-earned break over what was quite an eventful weekend for Jesus Christ all those years ago. But none of...