Sports

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A damning scientific report has been released today, and it makes for bad reading for two of the world's most notable fan bases. The new piece of research has confirmed that the English national football team is essentially the global equivalent of the Parramatta Eels. Authored by the International Body For Sports Psychology, the report is titled "Is...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After ten years in Australia, English construction worker Billy Blackpool (33) says he is still surprised by the cultural clashes he finds himself encountering on the jobsite. Namely, the fact that his workmates refuse to acknowledge that there is a difference between Scotland and England. Or the endless shit he cops for eating boiled eggs with his bare hands at...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT The Australian Lawn Council has issued a red alert this morning, as the nation comes to grips with a long grass crisis. After an unusually wet November and December which saw flooding in regions across the country, it’s understood that the government body responsible for lawn monitoring has yanked the starter cord on its emergency signal system...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The state of South Australia has today declared a statewide day of mourning, after Germany was unceremoniously bundled out of the World Cup. The 2014 Champions embarrassingly failed to make it out of their group after losing to Japan and drawing with Spain - something which the entire region of Europe and many parts of the world found...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In case you haven't been watching the news over the last 24 hours, the next golden generation of Australian soccer superstars are currently taking the world by storm. Early yesterday morning, the Socceroos progressed to the 2022 FIFA World Cup Round of 16 for only the second time in history, after Mathew Leckie's second-half game winning goal sent Denmark...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT It's been a big day upstairs for the Godfather of Australian football. Les Murray, (born László Ürge) reportedly woke up after the stroke of midnight, to watch the Socceroos take on Denmark from heaven. The incredible result which saw the Socceroos make it out of the group stage for the second time ever, has been hailed as a...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Australian footballing renaissance is currently underway, as the national side continues to exceed global expectations at the 2022 FIFA World Cup. The Socceroos have qualified for the Round of 16 after defeating Denmark 1-0 at Qatar's Al Janoub Stadium, putting on a performance great enough for Australian media to begin using the word 'football' in their reporting, instead...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT Like many Aussie blokes whose belt size sits in the 40s, Harry “Hogga” Armstrong has never had an athletic build suited for European football. A 5 ft 10 unit who is wide as he is tall, Harry is one of the many dense individuals who learnt from an early age that soccer wasn’t quite right for him...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The United States of America is celebrating a historic day today, after finally being able to successfully beat a Middle Eastern nation. After decades and decades and trillions and trillions of dollars of trying, the home of the brave and the land of the free* has finally managed to achieve what can be described as a 'victory.' The historic...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking news from overseas, it can be confirmed today that football is in fact coming home. Home of course being Australia, the large landmass above Tasmania down the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. This comes after Australia, the tiny nation of 25 million people managed to beat Tunisia in the Football World Cup and Wales in a...