The United States of America is celebrating a historic day today, after finally being able to successfully beat a Middle Eastern nation.

After decades and decades and trillions and trillions of dollars of trying, the home of the brave and the land of the free* has finally managed to achieve what can be described as a ‘victory.’

The historic victory was achieved in Qatar this morning, with the US men’s football (soccer) team managing to sneak a 1-0 win over the plucky Iranians.

With Iran needing a win to progress through to the round of 16 in the FIFA men’s World Cup, the US managed to take home the three points with a Christian Pulisic goal in the 38th minute seeing them home.

The result has been hailed as one of the most significant days in US history, with the men’s soccer team being able to achieve what their military never could.

That win comes nearly 70 years after the US overthrew a democratically elected Iranian president to strengthen the power of the Shah (Persian word for king or emperor), because they feared socialism could spread through the Middle East.

It also follows failed US attempts to destabilise governments or invade countries in places like Iraq and Afghanistan, including helping to establish the Taliban as ‘freedom fighters’ some decades ago.

It’s believed the win has also come at the cost of zero lives, some millions short of those who died across the Middle East and Central Asia as a result of US foreign policy that lined the pockets of powerful resources and arms companies in the ‘leader of the free world.’

“It’s a momentous day for us as a nation,” explained one US soccer fan to The Advocate.

“And we don’t have to ignore the fact a million Iraqi kids died because of what we did, like in the 1990s.”

“It’s a real feel good result, now the Iranians can head back home and be chucked in jail for protesting.”

The US will now play the Netherlands in the Round of 16.

More to come.

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