Local News

MATILDA MARTIN | Local News | CONTACT A new study has been released and the results are conclusive -- the entire nation’s dads would like to hear the weather report. According to scientists, all dads everywhere across Australia have tested positive for a desire to shush everyone in the room in order to hear what the weatherman has to say. “At first all we had to go...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT Some residents of the Northern Rivers of NSW have today figured out how to game the system. Daisy and Luke Watersmith from the bohemian region revealed an incredible trick they've been using to improve life expectancy. Rather than vaccinate their children and protect them and the community from a raft of diseases and illnesses, the two ex-creatives from...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT In a somewhat sad story breaking out of our town's Heights district this morning, a docile local bachelor has consumed nearly 250 grams of sugar before 9 o'clock this morning. The bizarre incident occurred earlier today when the young man accidentally filled his entire bowl up with sugar instead of his normal breakfast cereal. After a late night watching...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT A local retiree from our town's Betoota Grove has again taken to social media today to let his 56 Facebook friends (who are mostly relatives and fake accounts) that he is disgusted at what has become of the country he once loved. Incensed for the third time already this week by the Israel Folau saga, Bryan Wilson vented...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In the ever coarsening of the daily grind, employees of Bush Catering were forced to appreciate a meme shared on their mandatory internal communications system. The reason for the forced appreciation was due to the fact that the below average meme was created by their boss. Without one successful high five to his name, general manager Alan Bush (52) has...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The decomposing dead horse of jokes about avocados and homeownership continues to be beaten into the cold, wintery earth with vigour as newsagent Keith Quigley (65) weighs in on his children's spending habits. According to Quigley, his adult children can’t afford to purchase a house as they are frivolous with their money, choosing to spend it on weekend breakfast...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In breaking news, it has been revealed that local unit Nick ‘Kingo’ King refers to himself as a ‘big kid at heart’ primarily for the reason that he sleeps in a single bed. The 36-year-old plumber is known for his workplace antics and ability to do anything in order to get attention under the guise that he is trying...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact One of Betoota’s top advertising agencies, TBJUQS/Smith, has successfully tricked its employees into thinking they’re not being overworked and underpaid by having a sparkling water tap installed alongside their regular cold and hot filtered water tap. Having been installed last night, the hysteria in the office today can apparently rival that caused by the visit of Princess Diana back...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local HR representative Sophie Mackay's winter body has met its biggest hurdle yet this afternoon. This comes as the 26-year-old Betoota Grove woman made the colossal fuck up of attempting to engage her gym instructor with non-heath and fitness related conversation. "I should have known" she told our reporters. "He has a Carpe Diem tattoo across in shoulders in Old English....

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Belle Goliath, the girlfriend of Bill Smith, is today attending the funeral of the late Sandrine Smith, an eighty-six-year-old grandmother who passed away in a tragic croquet accident last week. It’s believed Belle hadn’t really met much of Bill’s extended family, so although a sad occasion, it was her chance to impress her future family in-law. It was going...