Local News

Dad Staring Daggers At Houseguest Who Ended Up With His Stubby Holder

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A tense situation unfolded in Betoota Heights earlier today. Married couple Elaine (56) and Gerry Scott (57) were entertaining friends Linda and Lloyd Hughes when Elaine made a mistake that went beyond the realms of conforming to traditional gender norms. Emerging from the kitchen with a stubby holder wrapped bottle of beer for each man, Elaine made the mistake of...

High School Student Laughs In Face Of Suggestion They Read Prescribed Text Over Holidays

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT An impromptu comedy show took place at Betoota Heights High School this week when standard English teacher Mr McKendrick suggested his year 10 students get a head start on their year 11 prescribed texts over the holidays. Trying to prepare his students for the various films, novels and poems 1% of them will have to interpret in their future...

Jamie Oliver Cookbook Regift As Good As Office Kris Kringle Is Gonna Get

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Office Kris Kringles have the charming ability to force kinship amongst your colleagues with the all-to-familiar sense of having promised yourself 12 months ago you wouldn’t be here for this event. The anatomically-incorrectly titled Head of People Susan Stone (41) has once again brought the staff of Flash Financial together with a lighthearted Kris Kringle for which participation is...

Vintage Car To Remain Unkempt Until She Leaves Him Again

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT It’s smiles all round in Betoota Ponds as intermittent couple Toby Walsh (32) and Fiona Franklin (34) are back on again.  The news has received critical acclaim from the couple’s friends and co-workers who are really looking forward to the next juicy fallout from the pair that are now basically an overdrawn, live-action Jerry Springer episode. Perhaps the only party...

Husband Still Bad At Gift-Wrapping After Attempting It Once Six Years Ago

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local woman Vicki Stewart (46) is gift wrapping for two again after her husband Darren (40) has insisted he is still so bad at wrapping presents. Although Vicki states she doesn’t mind doing the wrapping for both of them, she does find it a bit bullshit that Darren has not even attempted to wrap a present since Christmas six...

Time Forced To Revoke Giving Greta Thunberg Person Of The Year After Offending Gary From Tamworth

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In an event that has angered many the owner of a saggy, white ballsack, Time Magazine presented teenage climate change activist Greta Thunberg with their Person of the Year. The Time Person of the Year issue has been released annually since 1927 and is regarded as being an event of such cultural significance that you probably can’t even remember...

Local Woman Now At The “Plough On” Stage As Dinner Recipe Gets Unrealistically Complicated

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local sucker for punishment has done it again this week. After a big day at work, Elyse Kovacic decided to top it all off by committing to an extremely complicated and a lengthy dinner recipe. With the year pretty much bow-tied, and a takeaway meal or some mince poured onto some nachos perfectly justifiable, the young bank...

8-Year-Old Overcomes Irrational Fears About Quicksand

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Betoota resident Liam Mitchell has reportedly been keeping an eye out for any suspicious-looking mud piles in the odd chance they could be quicksand. The eight-year-old had developed the obsession out of nowhere, and was now convinced that running into quicksand was an inevitable part of life. To prepare for his fate, Lisa says he watched read some...

Anxious Millennials Killing The Telemarketing Industry By Not Answering Private Numbers

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT In worrying news, millennials are under fire again today for ruining yet another industry. According to some bloke at The Daily Mail, the telemarketing industry has taken a huge hit in the last decade, with many young people choosing to ignore calls from an unknown number. This comes shortly after it was announced that millennials were single-handedly responsible...

Friends Of Parents Feign Interest In Child’s Pathetic Foreign Language Skills

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The art of mastering a foreign language is one that takes years of practice and study, and the sound of beautifully spoken French by a bilingual Betootan is a true treat to the ears. However, this evening at a Betoota Ponds house the French being spoken is far from a treat, it’s being scrunched up, spat on and...

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