Local News

East Coast Residents Frightened By Mysterious Falling Water Phenomenon

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT East coast of Australia residents were not sure how to react this week when unexpectedly confronted with the spectacle of water falling from the sky with no apparent cause. Local dirt farmers Daniel and Melissa were preparing for dinner when they witnessed the strange phenomenon from their kitchen window.    “We heard this weird hissing noise outside and all this water was...

“I Don’t Know Any Of These Songs,” Says Woman Who Still Thinks Matt & Alex Host Breakfast

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The triple j Hottest 100 countdown continues to be a culturally important moment for many Australians from those who are there to have fun to those who will proudly exclaim they know what number 1 will be after hearing songs 100-2. It appears that some segments of triple j listeners have been forgotten during the annual countdown, a segment...

“This Shouldn’t Be Number 1,” Says Moustache Attached To Man

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As the triple j Hottest 100 music countdown continues to break records for voter numbers, listeners all across Australia tuned in today to hear the democratically selected best songs of 2019. While the lighthearted music countdown may be the most democratic process taking place in the nation, a local moustache attached to the face of Betoota resident Domonic James...

Mini Water Cooler Bottle Decent Indication Bloke On-Site Takes Some Hectic Supplements

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local chippy has all but confirmed that he purchases prohibited supplements on his job site today. Sitting down for a late lunch with a couple of other blokes, Brixen Watts did so by revealing his new miniature water cooler. The water bottles are often associated with gym bros who like to throw weights down as loudly as...

Horror As Cousin’s Weird Boyfriend Follows Up Empty Promise Of A Beer Made Over Christmas

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Andy McMillan has felt a wave of panic set over him this evening after receiving a message alert from his cousin’s weird, cider drinking boyfriend. Andy tells our reporter, who happened to be at the scene, that over Christmas he was just trying to be polite when he suggested the two of them get a drink when they were...

Child Upset By Back To School Commercial Is Going To Hate This Thing Called ‘Work’

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Although continuing until the tail end of January, school holidays have been cut short once again thanks to stationery suppliers going live with a premature ‘Back to School’ ad campaign.  Although continuing until the tail end of January, school holidays have been cut short once again thanks to stationery suppliers going live with a premature ‘Back to School’ ad...

Quiet Australian Reveals Loud, Casually-Racist Online Alter Ego

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local man Chris Thorpe is a quiet, small business owner who generally doesn’t get phased by too much. From all reports in the Old Town community, Chris is a quiet guy. However, it has recently come to the attention of The Advocate that Chris’s 'nice guy' persona stops the moment he logs on to the internet. Outback Jack is...

Over-The-Top Bartender Casually Fires Up A Blowtorch

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local mixologist has just put on a show down at the Betoota Heights Imperial it can be confirmed. The arts graduate (majoring in French Studies) from the University Of Betoota named Hugo Wren did so when serving up a couple of patrons some of 'the most epic cocktails in town.' The once quiet locals joint which ticks along...

Broke As Shit Thirty-Something Wonders If Mum Held Onto His Holographic Charizard

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A financially reckless but relatively content local man has experienced a few heart palpitations today. The cause for concern arose during his lunch break when he realised he wasn't sure where one of his most valuable possessions was. Immediately stepping outside the office of his engineering firm, Jacob Walters called his mum to check if she knew where...

Bathroom Scales Develop Negative Aura With Each Passing Day Of Summer

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As Australians force themselves to enjoy a season of beer drinking weather, sleepless nights and fucking catastrophic natural disasters, many have turned to a life of excessive food and alcohol consumption.  While it has long since been known this behaviour isn't the worst thing, there has been a sharp increase in sightings of a negative auras around the bathroom...

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