Local Boy Successfully Transitions Into Adolescence By Casually Referencing The 27 Club
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact*TW, this article discusses suicide.
They say there’s a few key factors in a boy's formative years, that suggests he’s well on his way to becoming a man.
Growing facial hair, discovering Pulp Fiction, finding a way to bring penises into every conversation (peppered with the occasional slur to impress the mates), and of course, discovering and romanticising the ‘27...
Local Woman Not Sure If Single Bloke At Departure Gate Is Hot Or ‘Airport Hot’
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle| CONTACT
A local woman has today faced a conundrum many people have experienced while waiting at an airport - is that person hot or are they just my age?
It’s alleged Vanessa Erikson was travelling from Sydney to Melbourne when she found herself waiting two hours in line to get in, which according to the Qantas CEO Alan Joyce, was...
Major Policy Announcement Derailed By 22-Year-Old Journalist Asking How Much A Hotdog Costs
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
A Federal Candidate, whose election to Parliament House might prove inconvenient for media advertisers who don't like paying tax - or at least paying back JobKeeper - has today been slapped down before the campaign even starts.
This comes after the candidate's announcement of a major 2022 election policy was derailed by a 22-year-old journalist who has been advised...
“We’d Love To Live Closer To The City” Complain Parents Who Bought A House In The Suburbs For $150K
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact A bloke’s parents have today lamented what awful, no good luck they have this afternoon, after revealing they could have snapped up a million dollar home had they been a little bit more forward thinking.
Phil and Susan Gilford are alleged to have brought the topic up during a family get together, where their son Josh had mentioned the...
Woman Makes High Risk High Reward Decision By Asking Date Who His Favourite Serial Killer Is
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact A local woman has today run a somewhat risky dating move, which can either make her appear like the ultimate manic pixie dream girl or an utter psycho. A line that’s admittedly a very fine one to tread.
Jen Gerritson is alleged to have developed a bit of a fuck it attitude to dating, having stopped caring about...
Local Woman Unsure If Crush’s Interest In World War II Should Be Considered A Red Flag Or Not
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact As local woman Cara Lee cooly sips from her martini and smiles at her crush, she feels a slight trickle of worry and a small, unwelcome thought blossoming in her mind.
Having met George on a dating app a few weeks ago, Cara already found herself on date number four, finally getting past the crucial ‘three date broke’ which...
Local Woman Finds Herself Feeling Maternal Towards Every Kind Of Baby Except Human Ones
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact Sherise Winston isn’t the biggest fan of children. In fact, if it was possible, she’d have her entire uterus removed and replaced with packing peanuts.
Of course, being a twenty something woman, Sherise’s firm stance on children is often met with raised brows and bemused grins from relatives, who all insist she’ll change her...
Lone Town Doctor Identifies Last Weekend’s Charity Ball As Ground Zero For April Superspreader Event
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT
Residents of Betoota are struggling to secure a doctor's appointment this week, as the town struggles to come to grips with a fast-moving wave of the Pangolins Kiss.
With several residents calling in sick to work and a long line growing outside of the Betoota Heights South Medical Practice, it’s understood lone town General Practitioner Dr Kenneth...
Limp Bundle of Broccolini A Friendly Reminder Of How Delusional Local Man Was During Monday’s Grocery Run
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT
Tired, off-colour, and worst of all, limp, a wilted bundle of Broccolini appears to be an ironic representation of a man’s scattered life this morning, as it spends its 5th day sitting idle in an over-frosted fridge.
Laying in the depths of an empty vegetable crisper, the bundle of greens in question are believed to have been...
Local Girl Calling Mum About Netflix Password Offered 18 Combinations Of What It Could Be
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local girl has today almost lost her shit, after trying to get into her mum’s Netflix account on her new computer.
It’s alleged Jen Anderson initially thought it’d be a simple enough task, seeing as she was sure a grown woman would know the password for an account she used so often, or would at least use the...
