Headlines

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After an entire decade of indefinite detainment on the tropical pacific island of Nauru, the war-weary families of men, women and children currently trapped inside the regional processing centre have made it clear to their captors that they are good to go whenever the Australian Government. "Whenever suits, guys" they said. "Surely this is costing you all a fair bit...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A man who has had his opinions heard by people in every city and town around the country says he's worried that the PC thought police are trying to silence him. Despite being paid by Christian lobbyists to appear in their latest series of ads aimed at frustrating working class Australians with irrational tangents to the same-sex marriage...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Following the news that Lisa Wilkinson will be joining Peter Helliar, Carrie Bickmore and Waleed Aly on The Project, after ten years on The Today Show, the channel 10 anchors are beginning to worry about the pressure of inheriting a number one rating TV host. It is believed that the current Project line-up, which consists of former-comedians and...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by the Department of Transport has found that the water-damaged silver 1996 Holden Commodore (VS) Equipe sedan that you grew up in, and your older siblings learnt to drive in, should still be in the family. The study, which was headed by several mechanical engineering students at Monash university, was commissioned in an attempt to study the difference...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Outrage has swept across Australia at the recent news that 87% of tomatoes grown on a commercial Queensland farm were rejected due to not fitting aesthetic criteria. One such citizen is Nonno Joe Cavarretta, who shed a tear at the news, thinking about all the lost potential pasta sauce. “They make (sic) a terrible mistake. All those tomatoes is...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An unnecessarily stressed uncle is frantically searching through the bins for an orange juice bottle that he left in the kitchen a couple hours ago. The 43-year-old North Betoota original has spent the last 18 months between houses and between jobs, while none of his nephews and nieces know how he manages to support his lifestyle which is heavily...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Like many Uni students, Marek Nowakowski (18) of the University of Betoota likes to at least look like he has a moral compass. It has now been revealed that the young man failed a test of moral fibre by recently purchasing cafe eggs during his weekly shop. “Not an easy choice. I considered buying ‘cage free’ but those birds...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT With his career in Federal politics soon to be at an end, South Australian Senator Nick Xenophon has decided to get a taste of one the vices he has been working towards outlawing his entire professional life. It is believed that the prominent independent has been 'stressed out' in recent months after it was revealed that he might have...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The leader of a church that was only created so that King Henry VIII could remarry to another woman without having to cut his wife's head off, have today declared they are not in support of changing the legal definition of marriage in Australia. The Coalition for Marriage has confirmed the No campaign received a $1 million donation from the...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An excited batch of Tasmanians coming home from a trip in the mainland are currently lining up outside the Melbourne airport's Krispy Kreme outlet like it's communist Russia. The rise of carry-on Krispy Kremes has been prevalent for Apple Islanders ever since the franchise began popping up in Australia in the late 2000s. It appears that the Tasmanian people are...