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WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some unsurprising news this afternoon, Paleo Pete Evans has today said something curious. The Celebrity Chef who was dumped from his $850,000 a year contract a few days ago took to social media to hit out at the 'fucking authoritarian mind control masters' who made him a millionaire and paid for him to create his pseudo alternative...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Alan Jones, Australia's most influential conservative policymaker in the history of the federated states of Australia, will retire at the end of this month, saying doctors had told him "it was time to give the climate scientists a fighting chance" However, Liberal Party executives have been told not to worry too much, as Jones will continue to present...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT There is no denying COVID-19 has caused widespread tragedy, including the devastating news that Travis will no longer get to complete his screenplay from his Dumbo studio apartment. Last month, Toorak native turned New York casual, Travis Van Vuuren (35), made the decision to come home to Melbourne after realising how fucking terrifying it was to be in a...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT For a pair of French Quarter Residents, what was supposed to be a cheap weekend has turned into quite an expensive one it can be confirmed today. This come after the two young professionals from our town's most bohemian district were fined nearly 2,500 dollars for a major breach of National Parks regulation yesterday. The breach occurred...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT A house on the outskirts of East Betoota’s Pebblecrete Belt was reduced to rubble on Tuesday after local stoner Brad “Big Hoff” Hoffman foolishly ignored the microwave popcorn bag’s clearly written warning to not reheat unpopped kernels. Neighbour Daisy Marshall, 78, said the blast rattled windows and caused irreparable damage to a wind chime. “I was ironing some tea towels...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact “Quickly” shouts the managing director of an unnamed soft drink company. “We need to completely change every single one of our communications so that customers think they need us to get through this crisis!” “It doesn’t matter if every other brand is doing it, we need to show that we are there for our customers the mostest” “People need to know...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Mums have grown to expect a certain caliber of gifts for Mother’s Day; a hand made pasta necklace, a clay blob that’s meant to be their face and a bunch of woollies flowers and a box of chocolates that husbands have clearly picked up on the way home after forgetting to get anything decent. But if mums thought the...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact While most people are using the Covid-lockdown period as a time to save money and reassess their spending habits, a Betoota Sounds man has a growing concern about his girlfriend as she is doing the complete opposite. According to Simon May, his girlfriend Matilda Swan (26) had over four different packages arrive this week, some of which were going...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Brisbane | CONTACT After a long day at work, Sydney man Luke Marsh wishes he had more to look forward to than his frozen Padt Thai. The 28-year-old sparkie had never attempted to cook anything harder than a boiled egg and has reportedly relied on frozen meals, takeaway, and the occasional sympathy drop in from his mum as his only source...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As the sporting world continues to look forward to the return of live-action, a salivating prospect has been dangled before the nation, a heavyweight bout of epic proportions. With the rumour mill going into overdrive after Mike Tyson posted footage of him looking fighting fit, The Betoota Advocate can reveal that a deal for him to fight media and gambling...