IN-Focus

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The nation's peak cricketing body has hosed down speculation that Michael Slater's new black eye was the result of an altercation between him and misunderstood opener David Warner, telling reporters in Canberra today that Slats was simply injured by falling Chinese space junk. Cricket Australia's CEO Kevin Roberts explained that as many people know, an...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Just hours after telling The Advocate yesterday that he harboured the irrational fear of the Special Air Service stealing his new prosthetic leg to drink beer out of, Bert Newton's biggest fear came true overnight as rogue members of the nation's peak fighting unit stole his new prosthetic leg to drink beer out of. "I...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact On-leave Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has spoken today from the iron lung he's been trapped in for the past few weeks after doing his arse on a flight of Mornington Peninsula stairs. He said he was going to get his revenge on Scott Morrison for putting the boot into the lung while he was down...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister has backflipped on his government's travel ban with India, telling reporters in Sydney today that he's ready to move on if the country is, too. "Hey guys," Scott Morrison opened. "I'm backflipping on this enormously unpopular policy because it's making me unpopular and I hate being unpopular because I'm here to be your...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister has told reporters today he was completely blind-sided by China's decision to cut all diplomatic ties with Australia today and maintains the door is always open for them to come back. "Bloody hell," Scott Morrison told reporters in Queensland today. "Didn't see that one coming," "Wonder why they've gone and bloody done this? Anyway,...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact After years of being fleeced each time their toaster packs it in, a breeding pair of local sexagenarians have discovered that it's possible to purchase new whitegoods online and not just at the Betoota Heights Harvey Norman. "We're going to save thousands," said Glenda Coleman to this masthead this morning. "Usually, we'd have to go down...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Down-on-his-luck tech billionaire Bill Gates has reportedly cemented his new-found status as a divorced single-dad by bashing the fuck out of some guy he thought was touching his crab pots off the Sunshine Coast community of Caloundra. Mr Gates alleges he saw the man navigate over to his crab pots shortly before 4pm this afternoon...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Microsoft-founder Bill Gates has joined Blokes Advice, a popular male-dominated internet forum where men can help each other navigate life, ahead of his landmark divorce from his wife of 27-years wife, Melinda. The billionaire told The Advocate this afternoon local time that he joined Blokes Advice because he need support in what's going to be...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A young man who some would argue doesn't belong in the Qantas Club has walked into the Remienko Memorial Aerodrome branch and laid eyes on chef turned celebrity chef Curtis Stone sitting in one of the armchairs. "Where do I know that cunt from?" Keith Coleman, 25, asked himself softly. Coleman shrugged and kept on walking...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The many wet markets of Melbourne have been closed for over a year with little light at the end of the tunnel. But from next week, a return to normality for countless Melbournese as they can now get their fresh produce from the back of some van again. The Prarhrahn Wet Market will open on...