MARIO STRADLATER | Softboi Contact

Are you looking at a night on your own because your weird socio-political stance is distancing you from the rest of the country who wants to see our girls torch the French? Well, you’re in luck. Here’s five things you can do to fill the 2 hour slot in your calendar this Saturday Night.

  1. Re-read your copy Of Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules – Part Airport-Self-help, part cranky uncle manifesto. This book and its weird amount of lobster talk is the perfect companion for your night alone.
  2. Masturbate to the soothing sound of a Joe Rogan Podcast – Dim the lights, grab the cetaphil and let the soothing sound of Joey Joe take you away to pleasure land. If you time it right, you’ll be able to ejaculate right at the moment where he mentions one of his morning ice baths – but try not to think about the fact that he’d be rather interested in the Women’s World Cup.
  3. Scour Reddit for confirmation bias affirming statistics to end that next Hinge date even sooner – You’ll play it coy in the chat leading up to the date so that she won’t be able to tell if you’re actually a weirdo, or just funny, but then come the date, she’ll realise that you really are one of those people she’s seen online but was unsure actually existed in person. When her response to your statistics about the evolutionary size of women’s hips is unfavourable, fully divulge into the dire need to preserve freedom of speech and speak over her as you explain how we should all be open to different opinions. Post date, be sure to go home, stare into the mirror and say ‘Elon Musk’ three times before going to bed.
  4. Use your burner account to look up your ex-girlfriend – You’re totally over her, we know, but sure, you still check her page from time to time. You’re winning the breakup man, you totally are.
  5. Finally, take the two hours and just do whatever the fuck you want, because no one really cares.


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