LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact

Sitting alone in an inner city cafe, local latte Hugh Van Bean (names changed) wondered exactly what he had done to offend Australia’s conservative population.

“I know it’s not something I said because I don’t have a mouth,” said Van Bean in a statement.

“Yet every time they think Australia is going to the dogs they blame the people who drink me every day.”

Van Bean is referencing a pattern in the Australian media which portrays latte drinkers as the paramount members of a decaying society who would like gender-neutral children wrapped in carbon neutral cotton wool on every day except January 26. 

“Latte drinkers are unbearable little [redacted]s!” stated one aspirational class Liberal voter.

“If they weren’t real pussies they would get their caffeine by smashing their caramel Moccona straight from the jar with a spoon, every morning, just like real Australians!”

Although he is mostly warm water and milk in a small glass, Van Bean admits that the constant abuse does get to his feelings a bit

“Sometimes I wish I was made with a little less foam. That way I’d be a flat white and this would all be fine. Maybe even with one sugar? Then they’d love me. I might even get to visit a ‘work site.’”

Van Bean says it is not just the vilifications of his customer base that upsets him, but the constant pressure placed on his drinkers to forgo him in exchange for a home loan.

“Also, I’m anti-coal somehow? What did I ever do to coal? We used to hang out all the time in the commodities market but it’s all weird now, she won’t talk to me!” 

According to Van Bean, he suspects the hate directed his way is part of a media conspiracy to increase profits by dumbing down complex issues into black & white identity politics that foster support for certain publishers on either side of the political spectrum.

“I mean that’s just my thinking. I might be wrong, I haven’t had my morning me yet.” 


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