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Both Victorian Police and the Premier’s Office have this afternoon admitted that they are nothing short of impressed by the notorious Melbourne youth gang ‘Apex’.
After over 18 months of ‘declaring war’ against the troubled teenagers with a penchant for carjacking, just about everyone in Melbourne has to pay credit where credit is due, after several members of the non-organised criminal gang managed to steal a fully modified F1 car from the pits at Albert park this afternoon.
Premier Andrews says he finds it ‘so fucking funny’ to see the live chopper footage of a formula one car burning through suburban streets.
“Fuck me. These kids are good!” he said.
“And even though I condemn this pointless criminal I activity, I think I speak for my entire office, and the Victorian police, when I say that these fucked up kids have truly impressed us”
This spectacular auto-theft comes ahead of the Melbourne Grand Prix opening the Formula One season for the 19th time this weekend. An highly-anticipated event that has motorsport fans looking forward to a jam-packed opening weekend, that will cost the city millions and seriously fuck up some of the streets.
With the stolen F1 currently being pursued in Melbourne’s deep Northern Suburbs, organisers of the Grand Prix are now in damage control.
“How the fuck did those little pricks get in there?” asked one Melbourne City Organiser.
“They would have had to scale like three barbed wire fences and evade at least twenty security guards”
“It’s not like you are going to miss a 6 foot teenager walking through the pits. Especially when he’s that black”
According to the Oxford Dictionary, ‘the Apex gang’ is a term loosely applied to any male teenager of South Sudanese or Samoan heritage who has brushed the wrong side of the law.
This trend of labeling any troubled kids, that aren’t white, gang members – comes from media outlets finding it is easier to sell papers when they can present several isolated incidents as something more than it is. Like an organised criminal gang of over 1000 people aimed and stealing cars and driving them for fun.
However, even the media is cheering on the Apex gang today, as they continue their high speed televised police chase into the rural suburbs of greater Melbourne.
“How fucking good!” says Triple M announcer Eddie McGuire.
“These kids have got me all geed up! Quick! Get the microphone away from me before I say something racist”
Waleed Aly, from Channel 10’s the project says that it’s great seeing young kids channel their energy into putting on a show.
“Did you see that bloke evade the spike strips just outside Lalor Plaza? Talk about skills!”
“I’d have that kid on our show if he wasn’t 90% illiterate and suffering PTSD from being pinballed through Australian detention centres after fleeing war-torn Sudan”
Today’s hilarious speed chase – now colloquiually dubbed ‘The Light Up’ – isn’t the first time that the state has put their prejudice aside and congratulated this supposed group of criminally-minded youths.
Just last month, Premier Daniel Andrews and Victorian Minister for Corrections, Gayle Tierney made the executive decision to allow temporary clemency to Apex members who were jailed with auto-theft convictions. A move aimed at helping the RSPCA rescue pets locked in hot cars during the city’s most recent heatwave.
Teresa Divine, A spokeswoman for the RSPCA says the Apex gang members are making life much easier for the organisation.
“They are really channeling there skills into something more positive. We’d love to hire a few of these kids, but unfortunately they are already within the prison system and probably won’t ever get a proper job for the rest of their life”
“I guess that’s what happens when you steal peoples cars. You pay for it for the rest of your life. But there would have been a lot of dead pets in Melbourne today if it wasn’t for these helpful young men”
“You should have seen B-Dog put a crow bar through the windshield of this Range Rover in Toorak. I’ve never seen anyone move that quickly to save a little a pooch”
Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has said that, when and if they are apprehended, the F1 thieves will be sent to prison for ten years sentences.