ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has taken a trip across the Pacific Ocean to address the United States naval top brass on the controversial issue of Australia’s recent acquisition of nuclear submarines.

Despite being a self-proclaimed “man of the people,” Albo seemed to be singing a different tune during his speech to the Americans.

“I want to make it clear that when I was growing up in Camperdown public housing, we didn’t have any fancy nuclear submarines,” Albo declared, pausing for dramatic effect.

“We only had shitty diesel-electrics ones. And let me tell you, they weren’t the most reliable things. Sometimes they’d break down, and we’d have to swim to school. But that’s just the Aussie way, mate.”

The Americans smiled and shrugged.

“Um, thank you, Mr. Albanese, for that enlightening anecdote,” responded one confused senator.

The Advocate reached out to Albo for clarification on his remarks, but he seemed to double down on his assertion that the nuclear submarines were necessary but somewhat out of touch with the working-class roots of his party.

“When you’re from the inner-west of Sydney, like actually from there and you’re not some blue-haired-Turramurra-bred-blow-in-NIMBY-shitebag with rich parents, you learn to make do with what you’ve got. Unless, we’re talking about submarines. Nevertheless, we didn’t need no fancy schmancy submarines to get by. We had our wits and a healthy distrust of the establishment,” Albo said.

“However, the Collins-class submarine is the 2009 VE Commodore Omega of submarines. Not too bad in it’s day but the timing chains are shot and rather than spend a few grand replacing them, you have to commit some grey-area insurance fraud,”

British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak tried to follow but looked to his aides for help.

“Such as taking the cunt to the arse end of Waterloo and torching it, like we did in my day, or you simply have someone ‘borrow’ it and crash it up the arse of another car in the neighbourhood that needs writing-off. That is essentially our issue with submarines in Australia. We need some new ones that aren’t completely fucked. The roof-lining inside HMAS Rankin has been sagging for 10 years. It’s held up with thumb tacks.”

Only time will tell how the Australian public will respond to Albo’s submarine stance.

More to come.


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