It was a busy first week of the month for social media manager Lizzy Dowling (28) who spent a continuous 96-hour stretch stressing out over a report no one will read.

With a degree in Communications worth slightly less than the paper it is printed on (plus a debt that will last until her 50s) Dowling fell into a career in social media, being highly qualified to do something 3 billion people participate in weekly.

Alongside forcing her brand into current memes and handling complaints from joint boomer accounts, Dowling is also responsible for creating monthly social media reports that contain terms like ‘impressions,’ ‘average daily sentiment’ and many others that are only slightly better to hear than an electric drill directly into the eardrum.

Rushing to complete the report, Dowling was forced to compile 25 pie charts, 18 line graphs and 118 screenshots of dissatisfied customers into a power point presentation that would literally be read only by her.

“How do I put a positive spin on this?” asked Dowling as she stared at a comment of from a user who said they would never be buying her companies tissues again after their nose fell off.

“I don’t want to anger the relevant stakeholders.”

Taking time during the evenings and weekend, Dowling finally managed to finish the comprehensive report and sent it out to go sit stagnantly in the inbox of 29 team members.

Company CEO Gordon Comstock (66) stated he never reads the reports after taking one look at them and failing to understand what engagement was and why in the great world of fuck he should give a shit.

“We’re a tissue company. I don’t get why we’re on social media. People buy our product to discharge their bodily fluids into,” said the CEO.

“Actually, maybe that’s why we are on social media.”


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