ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A city worker enjoying a sandwich in Machattie Park today witnessed some bastard’s cat eating a bird, something he says on closer inspection wasn’t as bad as people reckon.

“I think it might’ve actually been a feral cat,” said Dale Clarke, a spiritually-destitute marketing professional.

He sat at the other end of the tables near the River Street gates and alerted our reporter to what was going down.

“And the bird, I think it was a myna bird. So yeah, does that mean that they cancel each other out today? Normally, you’d see a feral cat eating something nice like a cheerful galah or a nice bird with plenty of Australian panache like a cockatoo or willy wagtail. Then other times, you see lads from high school sending photos on Snapchat of all the foxes and feral cats they shoot through the brain and you just kind of shrug.”

Our reporter nodded and took a bite of their cold beef sausage, which was tastefully drowning in ETA Barbeque Sauce.

“Like, it’s not like you want to see that kind of stuff but because it’s a feral cat, it’s not that bad. Like one time, I was driving home from a mate’s place late at night with my ex-girlfriend when we came up to a crest on the road and this cat with there just sitting on the road. I could see lights coming over the hill so I couldn’t go round it, so I just beeped few times then we both heard the sickly ‘ding’ of cat skull hitting the bottom of the 4-poster and that was that. Like, if it was a dog, then sure. It’d be sad. If it was a wild dog, still probably bad but nobody likes a feral cat. Well, my ex did and she was off me big time after that,” he said.

“But yeah, hey. Fuck feral cats.”

More to come.


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