Louis Burke | Culture | Contact
In what some are calling the most desperate move in politics since Harold Holt tried to win the surfie vote, opposition leader Bill Shorten has announced he is now a ‘Flat-Earther’ in an unprecedented move to build his own credibility.
Flat-Earthers are a fringe group of people who in the face of hundreds of years of scientific evidence believe the earth is not a spheroid shape that it actually is, but rather a flat map-like shape floating around in the universe like Rolf Harris’ limp, impotent wobble board.
Shorten is the latest household name to come out publicly as a Flat-Earther alongside basketball player Kyrie Irving and rapper B.o.B. who are rich enough that it
“I guess me and Karierie Irvin [sic] have another thing in common now,” said Shorten, grinning as he tried to spin a basketball on his index finger.
“I’m not one of those snow globe nut jobs though, don’t loop me in with them please.”
Knowledge about Shorten’s new credential building beliefs became known during a press conference when he was asked to give his opinion on US President Donald Trump’s new Space Force program.
“We need to protect our planet’s water resources, that manage to stay our planet because the earth is flat. If it was round the water would slip off and float away into space. If I can figure that out without a science degree you’d think those lying chumps at NASA could do the same.”
While Shorten’s comments have outraged the scientific community, the Labor party still manages to edge ahead in the two-party-preferred polls.
