29 May, 2016. 12:34
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
WHENEVER QUIET DYLAN MORGAN’S mother tells him to stand up straight, he mutters something under his breath that typically results in a clip under the ear.
Speaking to The Advocate via Skype this morning, the 16-year-old revealed his mother never lets him wear what he wants – and she always makes him wear polo tops.
“Look, I know I’m still waiting to grow out of the effeminate sack of cream cheese that is my body. But until I do, I don’t really want to wear these fucking hand-me-down polo shirts because they amplify my worst assets,” he said
“I’ve got quite the collection of button-up Hawaiian-themed shirts and some trendy three-quarter length cargo pants that I could be wearing, but no. I’ve got to wear this gay shit that puts my man cans on display. I even catch grown-ups staring at my chest for Christ’s sake.”
The Department of Education warns against school-aged children wearing three-quarter length cargo pants and Hawaiian themed shirts because of the risk of being bullied, but that’s a risk that Morgan says he’s willing to take.
“You should see the state of my nipples. They look like Grant Hackett has lifted me up off the ground by them and shaken me around like a dusty rug. One of them is a deep magic purple, the colour of the cosm0s – the other is green like a patch of Midori vomit on a Newtown footpath. They’re fucked.”
“At that’s only because I’m such an easy target in these fucking polo tops.”
So the obvious answer for Dylan was to become a hunchback, effectively hanging the shirt off his shoulders down to his belt buckle – removing the ghostly outline of his girly jiggle bags.
And it’s working.
The rate at which people try to rip his nipples clean off his body have dropped dramatically, however, now the playground bullies call him hunchback, a fair trade-off if you ask him.
“Fuck, I couldn’t care less. Now that I’m staving off nipple necrosis by hunching my back like I’ve got some sort of unpleasant syndrome, I can finally get my life back on track,”
“Life is good again.”