Local Fourth Grade Footballers Not Required To Apologise For Obvious Alcohol Problems

Local Fourth Grade Footballers Not Required To Apologise For Obvious Alcohol Problems

31 January, 2016 11:45

IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports Editor | CONTACT

The South Betoota Australian Rules social grade footballers were not met with a press conference this morning, despite the fact they have spent the last 48 hours making Mitchell Pearce look like a “fuckin’ schoolboy”.

We spoke to the most lively member of the team’s three-day bender, co-captain Jack Cort, who says he didn’t think Friday’s pre-season trial match would have turned out to be as big as it did.

“Yeah, we went back into the clubhouse for a few jars, but Justin (fellow co-captain, Justin Hardy) won big on the punt – so we haven’t really stopped hey,”

“It’s amazing how many liney lineys you can get out of a quick greyhound,”

The teammates will not be required to apologise for going on a bender or for Mr Cort’s post match comments about ‘throwing one up the arse’, their suburban football club has today confirmed.

“Apologise to who, their fuckin’ girlfriends?” says the team coach, former VFL superstar James Kent.

“A bunch of footballers like to say vulgar things and go on a bender in Queensland suburbs, big whoop”

The team, which is well-known for their strong clubman attitude, is technically listed as a fourth grade side – although the players insist on using the term ‘amatuer’ – to differentiate themselves from the professional league – and the three grades above them in their suburban footy comp.

“Yeah the difference between us and the non-amateurs is the fact that we put a bit more focus on the off-field stuff, we are pretty community-minded,” said Simon Austin, who also claims to be a co-captain, although he did say it would be funnier if we referred to him as the team’s ‘coke-captain’.

“I mean, I guess we would be willing to talk to the media, if they gave a shit about us,”

“We are going a fair bit harder than the pros. Where’s our fuckin’ press conference?”

“The boys are puncturing these black rats like we are about to cop another alco-pop tax and I think we’ve got a stripper coming over later,”

Although these excitable young men are not paid for their footballing duties, the similarities between the spectacle seen on the Justin’s poolside deck today is not too disimilar to the recently leaked video of NRL star Mitchell Pearce.

Sydney Roosters co-captain, Mitchell Pearce was forced to publicly apologised for his well-document binge-drinking behaviour, before being flown straight to a rehab centre in Los Angeles to seek help for his alcohol problem that has come to light since he got videotaped pissing his pants and pretending to root a dog.

“Only difference is we aren’t selling this footage to anyone. We are putting this shit on Facebook for free!” shouts Jack, who appears to be remarkably more alert since returning from the bathroom moments ago.

Jack Cort, Justin Hardy, and Spero Collins have been "on the bend" since Friday evening. It is now Sunday afternoon.
Jack Cort, Justin Hardy, and Spero Collins have been “on the bend” since Friday evening. It is now Sunday afternoon.

“[laughter] Imagine if the club tried to suspend us for this shit like the Roosters did to poor old Pearcey,”

“They would sure as shit lose a bit of cash going over the bar, and through the pokies, and into the kitchen. They need us to get pissed to stay afloat,”

“Sending us to rehab would be the dumbest thing this club could do”

With several footballers already entertaining the idea of “calling in sick monday and tying another night on” – it seems the end is not yet in sight, although several of the older players have started to screen phone calls from their wives.

“Ahhh… It’s that time of the year again” says Justin

“Time to play footy, watch footy, and drink until I am crook. I just love it,”

 

 

 

 

 

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