The Nation

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The ever relatable Prime Minister has today informed the public that he 'gets it.' Speaking from his isolation quarters, the nation's Head of Marketing explained that nobody needs to convince him how annoying lockdowns are, because he's been couped up for 7 days already. "Mate, bloody hell, it's doing my head in aye," said Morrison today, empathising with...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Prime Minister Scott Morrison has expressed his stress and frustrations at the state leaders this morning after they all fronted media to say it was Scott's fault the Pangolin's Wrath is back in the community ruining weddings again. Speaking to the media this morning via video link, the PM came out on the offensive. "I...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT That's right. 8 straight. 11 out of 12 series. Don't ever forget it. This report comes after NSW won it's first series in a row last night, beating an undermanned Queensland team. The NSW win came after Maroons rookie Ronaldo Mulitalo was banned from playing last minute, and generational talents Kayln Ponga, Harry Grant and Reece Walsh ruled...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A well-known pinger rat has officially hung up his party shoes and become a respectable human being, after a solid 15 years of depraved behaviour, it’s reported. Ben or ‘Baccy Ben’, as he was affectionately known by his former classmates, has allegedly turned a new leaf, and emerged as a spiritual yoga instructor without any help from psychedelics. It’s whispered...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT When it comes to alcohol related party games, none are quite as dangerous as ‘Never have I ever.’ Known for almost always becoming sexual, ‘Never have I ever’ is a drinking game that involves people going around in a circle and announcing things they’ve never done, with those who have, required to drink. Best played with a group of well...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Betoota Ponds fitness junkie Peter Papadopolous (30) chowed down some serious iron man food this morning thanks to iconic breakfast cereal, Nutri Grain. Produced by Big-Breaky power player Kellogg's, Nutri Grain is said to be the breakfast of champions, with 20% protein content and decades worth of advertising claiming to be the number one breakfast choice of athletes and...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A family evening watching free to air Gambling Ads has unfortunately been interrupted by grown men in colourful shorts throwing a ball around in an apparent sporting event.  The Australian gambling industry is estimated to be at least a 20 billion dollar industry, a figure that is hard to clarify due to most online betting agencies being based in...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT An ambiguously titled ‘Digital Creative’ has found a loophole in the hospitality system in Betoota’s French Quarter and is ready to exploit it to the very last drop. Freelancer Beth Miller (32) states rather than at home, she prefers to work in public places like libraries and cafes because it is a lot less acceptable to waste your day...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT At only eight months old, Harper Robertson of Betoota Heights is giving her parents a run for their whinging, attention-seeking millennial money.  According to mum Leah Robertson (29), her infant daughter has spent a lot of her free time being audibly upset at being the evolutionary benefactor of a new set of teeth. “My nana said they used to put...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local woman has today been lucky enough to receive a warning shot, before agreeing to a date with a potential fuck boy, it’s reported. Abby Clarke was out with a few friends last Friday night, when she ended up exchanging flirty banter with a cutie in the smoker’s area. As she’d playfully engaged in some verbal sparring...