In breaking news from the harbour city, Sydney’s public transport system is on standby to completely buckle this weekend as the city prepares for the world’s largest parade of horse girls.

With over 300,000 Swifties making the pilgrimage out to Accor Stadium at Olympic Park, and another casual 50,000+ expected to run the concrete picnic option and just listen from outside, logistics officers for Transport NSW have conceded that this weekend might just be the biggest shitshow on the planet.

“Aww mate it’s going to be proper fcked out there!” transport official Joe Hiddleston told The Advocate, on the condition of anonymity.

“I’ve asked them to put two extra trains on every hour, but my best tip for surviving this weekend is to switch off your phone, close your blinds and just hug yourself to sleep in a bathtub until Monday, the whole network will be nothing but carnage.”

With four shows taking place from Friday to Monday, Tourism NSW is expecting the event will bring the biggest influx of ‘horse girls’ to the area since the 2000 Olympics.

“The area is quite well versed in hosting ‘horsie types’, back in the day the grounds were originally an abattoir, farmer’s daughters would come from the bush to oversee the sales and participate in rural shows,” said Tiffany McTeethy, the head of NSW Events.

“Then of course the 2000 Olympics came along and between here and the Equestrian Centre at Horsley Park, we hosted thousands of international riders and their ponies.”

“And here we are again in 2024, this time over 350,000 Saddle Club lovers will be turning up all bejazzled in cowgirl boots and plastic Akubras, ready for the show of their lives.”

“Plus add 15,000 old decrepit punks from the Blink 182 show next door and you’ve got a real clash of cultures, when the whole thing ends it’ll be one very sparkly knife fight.”


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