ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Reserve Bank has raised interest rates again this month after giving the mortgage-paying public a month’s respite last month, following almost twelve consecutive months of rate rises.

That hasn’t stopped the national property market from going up this quarter after a shock decrease the previous quarter, which has led the RBA’s boss, Philip Lowe, to suggest now is a great time to buy.

“This rebounding national property market means you need to buy another property before someone else buys it and rents it out to some mouth-breathing peasant who hasn’t worked as hard as you,” explained Lowe.

“As someone who was born in the right postcode to the right parents at the right time, you have a birthright to buying and selling property. There are people in our society who were born to the wrong parents in the wrong postcode, which means they have the birthright to pay your mortgage. Notwithstanding that, we also need a national stock of mouth-breathing renters to pay the mortgages of our foreign investors.”

“So we need to make sure that we are protecting the renting class because without them, investing in property becomes meaningless. Sure, we have people from overseas who simply buy property just to bank some cash. We have a million empty dwellings around the country that people could be living in,” he said.

“But that would deny good, hard-working criminal enterprises both here and overseas the chance to launder their money and provide the states and the commonwealth with vast sums of tax income that are used to build stadiums and other places for the well-heeled to limber up and perform public autofellatio,”

“It would be easier to shoot a dog with a twelve-gauge slug from six feet away than to fix the damage this previous government did to the housing market. We’re going to try, and it’s going to suck for a while,”

“Keep the faith. I believe in you.”


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