ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Channel Nine has decided to pull the pin on the Ellen Show from today, a move that’s disorientated thousands of students around the country.
Unemployed people have also been affected by Nine’s decision, which they made in the fallout surrounding the ‘toxic’ work environment at the popular daytime television show.
Many students took to social media today to express their shock and disappointment that their ‘cosmic anchor’ had been removed without warning.
Speaking to our reporter this morning, a second-year journalism student at the prestigious Clayton Overell School Of Journalism within The South Betoota Polytechnic College explained that he thought he had all the time in the world this morning – but he was sorely mistaken.
“Each twenty-four-hour period in my life used to be punctuated by The Ellen Show. I wake up, smoking in bed, roll into the living room. Put the news on. Put some rice in the microwave with some water and a stock cube for 20 minutes at 50% power. Eat that watching the news, get on the couch. Finish the rice breakfast, roll another smoke and ash in my empty bowl. Find my housemate’s vape, suck on it a few times. Scroll on my phone and before I know it, the Ellen Show comes on and I’ve got the reminder I need to get ready for class,” said Miles Hoopman, the student our reporter spoke with the morning.
“Then after class, I get ready for work. Go to work then get home from work at 3am. Then do it all again the next day,”
“You see, the only cosmic anchor in my life, when I’m lucid enough to understand what’s going on, is when Ellen comes on. Today, Ellen didn’t come home and I just ended up getting wheelchair stoned and missing class. I still managed to wander into work at the dog food factory and do my 8-hour shift with the Macarena stuck in my head the whole time. But you can see the damage done.”
The Advocate reached out to Channel Nine for comment, who swiftly replied with a statement saying they don’t care about people like Miles – and that he should wake up to themselves.
“Not everyone can live such a selfish life, Miles.”
More to come.
