ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Trains in the nation’s worst city have been plunged into chaos this afternoon after a Sydney Trains employee discovered an errant bottle of human piss on the tracks near Central.
Trains on all lines were affected by the discovery, which forced the closure of stations in the inner city for close to an hour.
The all clear was given after staff at Central drew straws to see who’d have to make sure it was piss before the police arrived to dispose of it as per the law.
An off-duty train guard drew the short straw and readied himself to take a swig from the sunburnt bottle.
With a loud ‘swish’ as the gas escaped the ancient piss bottle, the guard took a mouthful before spitting it out on the platform.
“Yeah,” he coughed.
“That’s human piss, guys. I’m going to throw up! Oh fuck… woah fuck me dead, guys. Why didn’t anybody stop me?”
However, the Mexican premier was quick to point out that the blame for this latest incident rests on the ‘sick puppy’ who took the time to piss in a bottle and throw it on the tracks.
“This is not my fault,” said Premier Gladys Berejiklian.
“Even though the buck stops with me as the elected leader of NSW, it is not my fault. The man, or woman, who pissed in that bottle is to blame. We have plenty of restrooms on train platforms,”
“Unless the culprit was on a train and needed to piss, then filling up a bottle and dropping it down the gap between the train and platform is totally acceptable.”
The Advocate reached out to a number of Sydney Trains employees for comment but all said they risked beatings if they spoke out.
More to come.
