The nation’s largest grocery chain has copped an almighty spray this evening as a Betoota man tries to cook his dinner.

Despite branding themselves as ‘The Fresh Food People’, Woolworths has been called ‘a bunch of fucking morons’ by part-time science teacher Gary Campbell, after they shrink wrapped a T-bone in a metre of single-use plastic, and caged it in an exhibit like it’s an Imperial Hairstreak butterfly on display at the CSIRO.

After spending the last six minutes trying to free the steak from its noxious plastic cage, Gary told our reporter he was a little ashamed to have even shopped at the supermarket in Betoota Heights homemaker centre, and admitted that every bite filled him with a touch of guilt.

“I never usually buy my meat from Woolies, I’d usually stop by Harold Matts Meats next to the newsagents. But I had to duck in to get some bog roll and I was short of time, so I decided I’d do the whole shop in one go,” Gary told our reporter rather guiltily.

But with his kitchen bench top now littered with three different sets of kitchen scissors, a blunted chefs knife and strips of clear plastic, Gary told The Advocate he was just thankful he was able to release the 350g steak without chopping off a finger.

“I get they need to wrap it in something, but this looks like something out of Blade Runner. I feel like I’m about to cook the only steak on earth, a stem cell created T-bone that’s been housed in a butcher’s museum for the last century.”

“I’ll be heading back to Harold’s next week, fancy being able to support a local and have a yarn to a bloke that actually knows where the beast is from.”

“It’s a ground-breaking concept I know, but I’d rather show some respect to the animal and see its blood dripping into a brown paper bag than chew on whatever dog meat Woolies has just sold me.”


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