In breaking news (if you going to be all sensitive about it), mum swears up and down that she already told you this piece of life changing news that has you curled up on the floor wondering where the fuck you go from here.

As a recently appointed 30-year-old, Lavender David claims she is staring down the barrel of her future as she decides if she will disappoint her mum by not having grandchildren or by turning out just like her. 

One thing David claims she will never do is adopt her mum’s habit of dropping in life changing family updates in conversation like they are a flying little flecks of spittle.

“It would be good to see you on Saturday because your dad is moving out on Sunday so please come by, we’d love to have that slice you made with the chickpea water again,” stated mother Susan David, while on the phone with her only daughter.

“What did you call it again? Aquafaba? What will they think of next!”

As the casually told news that her parents are splitting up hit David like a cold knife she eventually found the words to demand an explanation which left her mother feeling a bit like she’s in Groundhog Day.

“Yeah, I told you that already didn’t I? I did, surely I did. I think you’ll find that I did.”

“OK, well, I’m telling you now. I mean, I’m telling you again, surely, but you know now.”

“How’s work?”

Unfortunately for David, she was unable to properly express the frustration over the communication breakdown to her mother as she knows her mum is always about four seconds away from a bout of tears that are triggered by human honesty.

“Oh honey, I’m sorry you think you didn’t know or I didn’t tell you, it’s no matter. Oh dear oh dear, another thing to worry about along with your grandpa’s diagnosis, Millie getting put down, and Rob pulling out of the book club.” 

“Hang on, I already told you about Rob didn’t I?”


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