It’s today been confirmed that anyone spotted handing a passport over to a bouncer on a night out is 95% likely to be either one of two things – an expat that hasn’t gotten around to getting a proper ID or a hopeless drunk who no doubt lost their licence on the piss.

Initially just a working theory, it has now been confirmed with a select survey composed of notable trainwrecks, half of whom are known for slamming too many glasses of wine and vodka hybrids and losing their belongings on a night out.

Chatting to a few lolly water fanatics, our reporter quickly learns how to spot someone you wouldn’t trust to hold your handbag on a night out.

“Yeah I’ve been using my passport for a few weeks now”, admits a sheepish Izzie Newitt [23], “I lost my entire wallet a month ago, but luckily I’ve been using Apple Pay.”

“Don’t know if I can be fucked getting new bank cards.”

“I just keep an eye on my account and hope that nobody steals anything.”

Another trainwreck, Addie Phillips, reckons she’s thought about getting one of those phone purse combinations, but says she’d be extra fucked if she lost that too.

“I’ve lost so much stuff drunk, I wish I could just have a computer chip or something.”

“I don’t have my birth certificate with me either, so I can’t afford to lose my passport.”

It can be confirmed that differentiating between trainwrecks and responsible expats is relatively easy, as all you have to do is see which country the passport is from.

More to come.


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