Governor-General Peter Cosgrove has experienced the horrid feeling of his soul being consumed upon, after shaking hands with a gliding, wraith-like dark creature employed by the Australian Ministry of Immigration as the guard of Nauru Prison.

The Minister, who originates from the Division of Dickson, has been in the role of Dementor for the Ministry of Immigration since 21 December 2014, after He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (Tony Abbott) was sighted in the Ministry, and Dutton’s defection to the Dark Lord’s cause became undeniable.

Following the news last month that Peter Dutton MP had divided his soul in to seven horcruxes ahead of a possible coalition leadership spill, spurred on by NewsLimited, it seems even the Australian Head Of State is vulnerable to the Dementor’s Kiss.

The Dementor’s Kiss is the act of a Dementor sucking out a person’s soul. It was sometimes used as a sentence for criminals by the Ministry of Immigration, and is considered a fate worse than death.

Governor-General Peter Cosgrove was noticeably rattled as Dutton began feeding off his soul in a way that is usually reserved for illegal immigrants and asylum seekers who find themselves within the walls of Nauru.

“He was aware that his soul was being torn from him the moment he touched the Dementor’s hand” said one aide.

“He was quick to wrap up the handshake before he ended up in a vegetative state”

As described in popular British folklore, Dementors feed upon human happiness, and thus cause depression and despair to anyone near them. They can also consume a person’s soul, leaving their victims in a permanent vegetative state and thus are often referred to as “soul-sucking fiends“. They are known to leave a person as an ’empty-shell’ which can sometimes result in self-immolation.

As was discovered underneath the Rudd Ministry, Dementors hold no true loyalty, except to whomever can provide them with the most people to feed off.

Peter Dutton has responded to the allegations that he was attempting a ‘Dementor’s Kiss’ on the Governer-General. He says it is so typical of the lefty media to use the handshake as an opportunity to push their pro-LGBTI, anti-self-immolation agenda.

“Wtf is a Demetors kiss?” he posted to twitter.

“Sounds gay as”


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