The Nation

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Found in over 60% of Betootanese backyards, the eponymous 'kick-on table' as it's known in the local vernacular, is bracing itself once again for another party. The residents of 63 Morrison Road in the leafy, exclusive enclave of Betoota Grove, have told our reporters that their outdoor setting is going to be getting a workout tonight...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Betoota Grove father-of-four has been left to his own devices this morning, something that the sexagenarian relishes and enjoys. Colin Dollarhyde is using the lack of spousal supervision to his advantage, he says, by sitting himself down on his new Koala lounge in front of the 'idiot box'. In particular, SBS Food. Speaking a short time ago...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A landmark study has been released today finding a direct link between two of society's most painfully obnoxious acts. The report released by the Betoota Anthropological Society (BAS) concluded that there is a definitive correlation between doing 'Shoeys' and yelling 'Niceeeee Garrrrrrrry' or 'Bowling Garrrrrrrry,' for no reason at all. The above phrase was made popular by former Australia Wicket...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT An expecting couple down in Melbourne's trendy suburb of Brunswick have moved to assure their friends and family today that they certainly will not be hosting a 'Gender Reveal Party' anytime soon. Brianne Pittman and Con Butcher made the declaration today after fielding questions about the bundle of joy that is expected to enter their lives in a few...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact A local retiree, who appears absolutely stoked to finally talk to someone who isn't his wife, is holding to a brief conversation with both hands. After driving for close to 10 hours in near silence between two different Outback look-outs, Richard Newcombe (72) has taken the opportunity to peel away from his caravan to talk to a complete stranger,...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Contractor Owen Green (33) has been accused of the hypocrisy of the highest order, as his NO FEAR bumper sticker seems to be completely at odds with his opinion on immigrants. An avid bumper sticker collector, Green has hidden the rust on his red land cruiser ute with a collection of stickers that seem to predate tolerance entirely. “If...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A tense standoff took place today at Betoota Ponds Independent Petrol station last night as stoned patron Jacob Lee (16) was very concerned he was being judged by Cameron Hall (17) the stoned attendant. After playing a few solos on the Gatorade saxophone, Wright climbed out of his bedroom window and made his way to his local petrol station...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local chippy has let his social media followers know that they should be pretty jealous of him today. Kayden James (23) did so by posting a photo of the picturesque location he is working at and titling it 'Todays Office.' The young man uploaded the photo from a location on the coast today where he and his boss are...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Work colleague Tracey Rhiannon (34) may have overstepped some boundaries this week by telling younger co-workers they “need to see the world” - like she did when she spent three weeks blind drunk in Europe ten years ago. Aged beyond her years, Rhiannon occasionally feels the need to state that her age makes her a wise and experienced...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local man who probably smokes pot once every two years, has today decided that he must have a high tolerance to the THC in his mate's new batch of brownies, and that one brownie wasn't enough. Having never experimented with cannabis-infused edibles before, Scotty Maley (31) was more than eager to have a crack when his mate...