Sports

New Zealand Heads Back Into Lockdown After Second Consecutive All Blacks Loss

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Our neighbours across the ditch are facing a grim couple of weeks after a fresh national emergency has plagued the island nation. With the All Blacks suffering a historic second loss in as many weeks, the Prime Minister of New Zealand has ordered a fresh lockdown.

Scientists Still No Closer To Finding Out Why Anybody Would Intentionally Watch Televised Golf

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Scientists from CSIRO’s Behavioural Analysis Division have been forced to admit they still have no idea why people continue to watch golf on TV. The embarrassing admission from Australia’s peak scientific body has thrown the future of the project in doubt with a government insider admitting the Division is up for a ‘Budget...

Australians Now Able To Watch Rugby Union Without Having A Hole Drilled Through Their House

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In what could very well be the life raft needed to save rugby union in Australia, the game's governing body has today inked a broadcast deal with Nine Entertainment worth $100m over three years. The ex-Sydney Private Schoolboys that maintain control over the grassroots spending are reportedly 'furious'...

Wallabies Fans Call On New Zealand To Concede Bledisloe

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Rugby Australia and it's fans have today called on the All Blacks to concede the Bledisloe Cup. This comes after a comprehensive 24-22 victory for the Wallabies in Brisbane last night where they completely dismantled the All Blacks over 80 minutes of football. Tries...

Local Smooth Operator Demonstrates Strength By Asking 50kg Woman To Punch His Abs

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Watch out Dwayne Johnson, there’s a new rock in town. Like many young single men, Luke Arnold (22) of Betoota Grove looks to park boot camps as an opportunity to demonstrate strength and appear attractive to women and if he has time, maybe enjoy himself a bit too.

NRL Club Doctor Breaks The Mould By Choosing To Not Hand Out Valiums And Xanax Like Tic Tacs

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Sydney-based NRL club doctor, Wayde Lee, has today made a decision that could potentially effect the rest of his career. After close to a decade at university studying medicine and specialising in high impact sports, Wayde as gone and jeopardised his future employment opportunities by actively deciding...

NSW Are Still On Top Here Explains Gus

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Blues are on top here, Gus Gould has just revealed. This comes after 80 minutes of average football where Queensland have actually won 18-14. Despite the scoreline and the full time siren going, Gus says the Blues are actually on top.

Entire Maroons Team Feared To Have Contracted Covid-19 Reveals Wayne Bennett

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some devastating news for the Queensland State of Origin team, there are fears the entire playing group has been struck down by the coronavirus. Just hours out from the series opener in Adelaide, the whole gameday 17 is undergoing testing after fears they have contracted the deadly...

“Oh Was Melbourne Cup On Today?” Asks Peter V’landys From The 19th At Wollongong Golf Club

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Just over 24 hours before State Of Origin Game 1 seals itself as one of the highest-rating Australian sporting events of 2020 and the man that made it all possible is taking a moment to himself. Sipping on a cold schooner of Tooheys New while staring out the tall...

Off-Season NRL Star Torn Between Holiday With Wife And Kids Or 40 Vodka Red Bulls And A Biff

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The NRL off-season is in full swing this week. Less a full 7 days after the 2020 Grand Final, and the Sydney Morning Herald has hit the ground running with a vague story about Cowboys players rooting married women and club doctors handing out prescriptions like smarties.

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