Sports

Sydney Dust Storm Caused By Parramatta Eels Opening Trophy Cabinet To Remove Portrait Of Hayne

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Parramatta Eels are facing the wrath of Sydneysiders today after being revealed as the cause of the dust storm sweeping over the city this afternoon. While meteorologists originally thought the dust storm may have come from the Western region of the state, The Betoota Advocate can reveal that they the blanket of dust has come from the Parramatta Eels trophy cabinet. Aside...

NRL Fan To Focus On Other Conspiracy Theories During Off-Season

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact National Rugby League follower and lifelong Canberra Raiders supporter Justin Gillespie (28) stated he will be taking a break from discussing NRL during the off-season to delve into other conspiracy theories instead. After seeing his team finish in the concession free top ten in 2018, Gillespie stated the secret NRL plot to keep his team out of finals football...

Trade Talk: Jarryd Hayne To Announce New Twenty Year Contract With Silverwater

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Notorious code-hopping and nation-hopping Australian athlete Jarryd Hayne has today announced his newest career move. It's one that no one saw coming, except for maybe a couple of police officers back in California After winning his second Dally M Medal as the NRL’s best player in 2014, Jarryd Hayne announced a shocking lifelong dream of playing NFL in the US....

Pro Footy Player Heroically Cuts Bali Trip Short To Join Pre Season Training A Week Early

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT An 'older' elite athlete has been heaped with praise today, after deciding to return to pre-season early. Like many other older professional footballers from various codes, Dayne Hunt is technically not required back at training until a week after most of the squad because of his age, and the years of footy under his belt. However despite not actually being...

Usually Apathetic Pop Pipes Up After Hearing Cricketer Has Been Playing Silly Buggers Again

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT After hearing the news on an iPad he for some reason owns, usually apathetic grandpa John Virgona (82) has pipped up after he’s learnt an Australian cricketer has “been playin’ silly buggers again.” Although he is rumoured to have once told his wife of 55 years that he loves her, Virgona is usually a quiet and reserved man who...

Usain Bolt Discreetly Leaves Central Coast After A Scrap With Some Bikies At The Sunken Monkey

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking news out of the Central Coast, it can be officially confirmed that the Usain Bolt Experiment is over. It has been previously reported that the world beater is leaving after his contract negotiations fell through with the Central Coast Mariners A-League team. However, The Betoota Advocate can exclusively real this afternoon that the Jamaican sprint sensation has already...

Darryl Braithwaite Now Just Living Off Spring Carnival

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT It can be confirmed today that the nostalgic and iconic singer Darryl Braithwaite no longer needs to play more than one or two gigs a year. The 69-year-old responsible for the anthemic song Horses told us that he can now get by on an annual performance at Melbourne's Spring Carnival. "I don't ever need to set foot in a Pub or RSL again,"...

Nation That Wanted Cricketers Publicly Hanged Months Ago Now Calls For A Pardon

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Thanks to some strong words from ex-cricketers and review into the culture of Australian cricket, sentiment across the nation is starting to swing like a brand new Kookaburra on a overcast Boxing Day MCG Pitch. In the wake of the findings from a recent review into the state of cricket in the country, many across the nation have sensationally...

Warner Walks Out Of Brunch After Mother-In-Law Says He Looks Like He’s Been In A Good Paddock

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Banned Australian star David Warner reportedly walked out of a family brunch in Cronulla after his mother in law made a light-hearted jab at him. Warner, who is noticeably not match fit, was seen tucking into some potatoe salad at the in-laws house, when Candice's mother insinuated that he looks like he's been eating well. "Dig in, David" said the...

Jetstar Offer Special On One-Way Tickets To Siberia For AFL Stars Who Sync iMessages To Laptop

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Following a noticeable flutter of off-season scandals in the Australian Football League, Australian budget airline Jetstar has come to the rescue for any technologically illiterate AFL stars that might need to get the fuck out of town indefinitely. This follows the AFL’s absolute pearler of a week, that has included cocaine, sex and rock n roll. As millennial footballers...

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