Local News

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTEmpty nester Anne Botley (60) was surprised by a lovely phone call today by her daughter Bella (30) who just wanted to let her mum know that she loves her and wants her money. Reluctantly or otherwise, everyone knows that we are living in a thing called a ‘Cost of Living Crisis’ which is honestly getting harder to introduce...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA report by the Betoota Pediatric Institute has confirmed that other people’s kids are way more unruly and annoying than your well-behaved hypothetical ones. After undertaking the laborious task that is organising a catch up with a mate who has kids, currently childless couple Dorean and Amber spent a weekend with their mates John and Sue and their two...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTProperty developer Richard Karmshark might need to pop to the dry cleaners on the way home after saturating himself in his own drool at spotting a public housing block with a nice view. Attending his 15th industry awards event in as many months aboard a boat in Betoota Harbour, Karmshark couldn’t help but notice an ‘80s era apartment block...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactSydney woman Sophie Haven has this week insisted on basking in the sun for several hours, despite having skin that freckles faster than a banana left in a kids schoolbag, medically known as 'Fitzpatrick type 1.' Having half heartedly protected her skin over the course of early twenties, Sophie has randomly decided it’s time to see if she can...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local man is coming up for air, it can be confirmed this afternoon. Michael Lane a young lawyer from our town's aspirational Betoota Heights district has finally clicked his phone off and taken a long deep breath. This comes after the man spent the hours between 9am and 2:30pm with his eyes flicking from his computer screen...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA local pencil pusher is stinging to get on the mic this evening as he waits for his chance to unleash his raw, unfiltered and alcohol fuelled talent.Gathered with a bunch of colleagues at Singstar Karaoke in Betoota’s Chinatown district, local suit Todd McCormick (28) has unfortunately found himself experiencing the grim reality of watching his...

CLYDE ROYAL |Western News| ContactMy favourite family outings are the ones that don’t result in me bringing a part of the environment home with me in my shorts. I know the pushback I’m going to get is “just go to a pool then” and I get it, this is a valid way to look at the problem, but I like the ocean....

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | ContactA local renaissance man who is highly proficient at dozens of expensive hobbies has today told the Advocate that sailing catamarans is his new thing. Matthias Polack (36) explained this while tacking his brand new, top of the line MiniCat catamaran hard to starboard across the choppy waters of Lake Betoota. “Never sailed before in my life,” he yelled to...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTWith winter on the way, anyone who has never had to learn to jumpstart a car is flashing their cash and getting ready for some European summer! Unfortunately for them, and everyone else, Europe is full of rich cunts such as rich cunt Bella Rishingden will tell you from a video call in ‘Pari’. Coming from a wealthy family that...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAs Australian government employees delete TikTok off their work phone like Aron Ralston chopping off his arm, the Chinese government has weighed in and confirmed they don’t need TikTok to do their spying for them. TikTok is one of the very few social media platforms to achieve world wide success but unlike US based social media apps, TikTok was...