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Australian Pacific Islander Community Responsible For 90% Of All Crying Laugh Emojis

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by Nielsen surveys regarding the social media behaviour of Australians has found that 90% of all crying laugh emojis posted from IP addresses located within this country have come Polynesian-Australian account holders. "What we have found, purely through analytics is that Samoan, Tongan, Cook Islander and Fijian Australians tend to have social media presence quite similar...

Top 5 Disgusting Welfare Burdens To Distract You From How Little Tax News Corp Paid This Year

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Just in case you weren’t aware, our society is at a moral crossroads. The fabric of our beloved Australia is beginning to be picked apart, bit by bit, by various groups from within it. Thankfully though, we have the media behemoth News Corp Australia, willing to stand in the face of such issues and fight for...

Tropical Goth Praised For Commitment To Trench Coat On Townsville Esplanade

LEROY PERCIVAL | Investigative | CONTACT A 'tropical' Goth from Far North Queensland has been praised today for his dedication to the dark, heavy clothing associated with his subculture, despite the very visible health affects it is causing him. The Cairns original and devoted fan of Nine Inch Nails and Joy Division has today been left cooked to a crisp, after spontaneously combusting during his...

Panics Sets In As Cashier Finishes Up Swiping Groceries With Mum Nowhere In Sight

KENT REGINALD | Culture | CONTACT An overimaginative local 8 year old is freaking the fuck out at Betoota Woolies tonight, after realising that the grocery store cashier is almost done swiping all of the items and his mum still hasn't come back from 'running back to pick up a few things she forgot'. Tyler Weston, 8, had been asked to wait in line at the cashier...

Single Bloke Trying To Stay Off The Piss Hits Up Driving Range For 4th Time This Week

EDITH McCUTCHEON | Local News | Contact In a similar vein to the ‘New year, New me’ kind of thing, Albert Jensen has tried to change his life recently. Waking on Sunday morning with a splitting headache, an empty wallet, and clammy sweats after making a fool of himself the previous night, the Betoota Heights-based plumber decided it was time to...

Labor Hires Bernard Tomic To Count The Millions Wasted On NBN

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Following the newly released 'Cabinet Files' -  based on an astonishing collection of files found in an abandoned filing cabinet in a second-hand shop in Canberra, the Labor party has been quick to steer any criticism from the young blokes that got killed filling roofs with insulation a few years back. This means the National Broadband Network (NBN) is back in...

Local Restaurant Now Successful Enough To Have To Worry About Rich People Allergies

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact A modern fusion restaurant in Betoota's bustling inner-city suburb of Greviequa has today proudly declared that they are now so popular that they have to worry about made up allergies that rich people diagnose themselves with to feel alive. Having only opening in November last year, Australasia, has already been featured on a viral Facebook video that shows one of...

Poor Contribution To BBQ Justified By The Fact That These 4 Sausages Have Herbs In Them

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local man has tried to make amends for the fact that he didn’t bring anywhere near enough drinks, any form of salad and some mediocre chat to a BBQ with a small packet of herby sausages. After immediately realising he had left himself short, Sam Krilic offered his 4 pack of mass produced sausages to the host with...

Real Estate Agent With Degree In Sound Engineering Reckons Now Is A Great Time To Buy

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Despite looming concerns about the state of Australia’s housing market, one local Real Estate Agent assured us today that everything is going to be okay. “Now is a fantastic time to buy,” Angus Black told one of our reporters. “The market is booming. Absolutely booming. We are seeing year on year incredible returns in the housing market. It’s the safest...

BREAKING: January Is Almost Over And You Haven’t Achieved Shit

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact In breaking news this evening, it can be revealed that the first of twelve months in the 2021 calendar year is almost at an end - and you may as well still be hungover watching test match cricket at your parent's house because that's how much you have achieved in the 20 days you've had back at work. Other...

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