IN-Focus

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact It's three in the morning and one local real estate agent laughs and says he'll sort it out later. As the reasonable hours wind down at Gary Breman's Old City District terrace, it becomes apparent that later is right now. "I'm going to run up and down the stairs for an hour," he said. "That should help...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "I told myself this year that I'd make a change," he said. "And by God, I'm going to do it." After a long summer of running up and down stairs, lifting heavy things and being social, Greg Franklin is sick and tired of feeling fantastic. This year, the 29-year-old is hellbent on getting the winter body he's...

LEROY PERCIVAL | Queensland Folk-Rock Editor | CONTACT Channel 10, in an effort to remain on top of the pile of networks who specialise in shows about people not really doing anything, has announced that they will soon begin airing a show about people in their homes watching episodes of the hit TV series Gogglebox, whilst ripping cones. A spokesperson for the network explained: “We’re looking...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Does he think this is a game?" asked Richard Di Natale as he fed bullets into a magazine. "When the purge comes, he'll be hanging from a street light. We're done playing around with this guy, if he wants to get real with us, we'll get real with him." The Greens leader has his predecessor Bob Brown's...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact As a weakened Malcolm Turnbull wallows in the mangrove, a Komodo-like Tony Abbott has sniffed an opportunity to get himself back in the top job. According to Rupert Murdoch, the lizard king, it's not going to happen. In high-level talks this morning between The Advocate's eventual owner and Mr Abbott, Tony floated the idea of perhaps...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Australia's peak scientific body has released findings this afternoon on their website that outlines that there are people walking among the rest of us who get the train between the nation's capital cities. It was long assumed that with the advent of cheap air travel, the Victorian-era transport method stopped running trains between major cities. According...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A long lunch ruined, blood running down the gutters of Sydney's Bridge Street and one Betoota Grove stockbroker is now a sadbroker. Alistair Watson-Cove, a partner at Goldman Sachs' French Quarter offices in the Joh For PM Tower on Cumberland Road, was rudely awoken by Magda, his wife and life coach, this morning as she...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular farmer's son has laughed off suggestions that his family's cotton farm in Northern NSW is partially responsible for one of the most catastrophic environmental declines in recorded history. Peter Cruikshank, of Brewarrina, is currently taking time out to relax in Sydney this week ahead of his second year of university study in the Harbour Capital kicking off...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The last local beacon of 20th-century journalism, The Australian, has one local homeowner under the impression that his current NBN rollout plan and the technology involved with the programme, on the whole, is 'more than adequate.' Bruce McIntyre, a Betoota Grove homeowner, said he doesn't even know when the next evolution of the information superhighway will be connected to...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local concertgoer who has no personality traits outside of his embracing of the Australian cultural cringe is adamant he will solidify a sense of identity if he can convince an international touring musician to drink beer out of his sweaty, three-year-old skate shoe. After paying big dollars and arriving hours earlier than anyone else, local fuckwit Gareth Pieterson...