IN-Focus

BERNICE TWISP | Relationships | Contact Amy Henry is looking down at her phone as she mindlessly shovels a boiled chicken into her mouth. By the looks of things, many of her friends are overseas at the moment. Instagram story after Instagram story; one pal galavanting around the Greek islands; another mate is on the cusp of greening out in an Amsterdam...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A mildly unpopular bag of shit moonlighting as an account coordinator at a local multinational boutique advertising firm has today gallantly pulled himself together to come into work - despite feeling quite unwell. With a sharp bark and a runny nose to boot, Lindsay Mulliscoles slammed back two paracetamol tablets over breakfast this morning, looked himself in...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There was a time in the not-too-distant past where a young man - or woman - could enjoy an evening in the French Quarter and still feel like they were alive. Nights could take you anywhere. Whether it be shovelling or sticking a Class A Banned Substance into your sickly body, unprotected sex with a prostitute, a fistfight with a...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Classes have resumed at South Betoota Polytechnic College this week and one of the only journalism students without brain matter leaking out of their ears is Graham Jenkins. Not because he didn't try - but because he's 49-years-old. In JRN302 this morning, nearly everyone in class was still barely conscious after the first Silly Sunday back at Sideways Bar -...

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact Local nurse Zara Shipmen (35) has taken to social media as part of a bold and daring campaign to remind her friends and followers she is, in fact, a nurse. Having worked as a nurse for ten years, Shipmen appreciates that social media is a place for her to share photos of her cat, videos...

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact After completing his first semester of university, arts student Bernard Carrol (18) has disappeared into his intellectual phase in a brooding haze of Cafe Creme smoke. Now one-sixth of the way through a degree that will earn him the respect of his mum and $30,000 in debt, Carrol has learnt that being smart can be...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact City Worker Tom Hankton has worn glasses since the age of 6 has only today realised just how blind he is.  The revelation came about over a boozy long birthday lunch, as friend after friend had a go at trying on his glasses.  “Fuck, Tom, you are so blind!” Stated Tara, rather obviously before taking them...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Bryan Coates and his mates have just stumbled out of their favourite pub in Betoota’s trendy meat packing district and on to the high street. Despite there being a smorgasbord of alcoholic serving establishments with over 4.5 stars on TripAdvisor within 500m, the group are listening to one dickhead mate who suggested they travel...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Clerical assistant Nina Barnes (25) believed herself to have an iron will but has ultimately tripped at the first hurdle and joined in at work drinks on just day six of Dry July. When office pisshead Alex Noble (43) dished out the afternoon drinks he mistakingly poured a dry white for Barnes, forgetting she was...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Boyfriends across the nation are on high-alert as Betoota University professors released a report confirming that ‘just a couple of chips,’ is a girlfriend’s gateway to eating half of her boyfriend’s meal. The ‘Gateway Chip’ theory has been hypothesised as far back as the 70’s but has now been confirmed following the landmark study. Dr Sam Anderson...