For those who wish to indulge in the brain-altering tang of preservative rich processed foods soaked in flavor enhancers but without the bloated shame of eating fast food, Subway has long been a dietary staple. 

Like many businesses in the hospitality industry, Subway has reported a decrease in visitors largely due to the fact that lower foot traffic has lead to fewer suckers being lured into their stores by the enticing smell of fresh-baked bread that contains an ice cream worth of sugar.

In an effort to increase purchases and stop the spread of COVID-19 Subway has today announced the release of a 1.5 metre long Social Distancing Sub.

“We hope our Social Distancing Sub can bring people together during these uncertain times,” stated Subway spokesperson Garry Panini. 

“Responsibly of course, which is why we have created a sub that reminds people of boundaries in a delicious and authentic way.”

Many have been quick to call out the sub as a publicity stunt and a possible danger to public health due to the calorie content and flippant attitude towards disease prevention it promotes.

One person who does appear to support the new sub, however, is a businessman and aspiring corrupt politician Clive Palmer who is reported to have ordered six Social Distancing Subs containing only Seafood Sensation, olives, and honey mustard dressing.


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