FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact

June 22 was a regular day for unemployed Cheetos enthusiast Darcy Charnel, who was planning a productive day of playing one of those shooty-game playbox gadgets.

Little did he know his world was about to be turned upside down by the revelation that his mother had somehow had an illicit affair with a boy on the other side of the world.

“I had just quickscoped some one-shot noob and he was so pissed” recalled Darcy with a grin.

“It was funny at first, until he told me he had had sex with my mum. Like, what the hell? He just sounded like some random kid from Canada, so I asked for some sort of proof. He said she was “a lady with boobs”, which was dead accurate. I couldn’t believe it! Obviously I confronted mum, and she denied ever going to Canada. It was a pretty convincing façade, but she had no idea I had secret inside info from her underage Canadian boyfriend. Even Dad believes her story, which is heaps sad, hey.”

In a desperate attempt to force his mother to admit to the scandalous relationship, Darcy found her passport and flipped through it, looking for a stamp shaped like a maple leaf, like most things in Canada. Incredibly there were no maple leaf stamps, or ice hockey stick stamps, or even stamps shaped like a Mountie hat.

“When I couldn’t find a Canadian border stamp, that was when I realised how far she had gone to keep this affair a secret. She’s either sneaked across the border or maybe she has a second passport. She’s good, I’ll give her that.”

Darcy’s world was rocked even further over the next week as more players confessed to engaging in sexual activities with his mum, with most providing brief but lurid descriptions. Some said the dalliances were as recent as “last night”. Darcy has now concluded that his mother may keep a light aircraft at the nearby airfield to maintain a rigorous schedule of consorts, many of whom appear to be COD players.

When confronted, Darcy’s mum Shelley denied the extra-marital accusations. “Darcy is not allowed to play COD anymore” she added. “And he’s only allowed to use the internet to look for a job. He is 32, after all”.

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