ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Betoota Heights man dropped into his local street food night market on the way home from the pub yesterday, where he told our reporters that he got himself something from the hotbox and a cool drink from the fridge.

This masthead has gone to lengths today to find local stories to report on to break up the monotony of coronavirus-related news and politics.

So our reporter waved at the last-remaining staff photographer we have here at The Advocate from across the newsroom and told him to finish his cheese sandwich quickly – because a story had just come across the desk.

This story.

Just before 10 pm last night, Gary Faulkner, of Rosebank Circuit in Betoota Heights, was asked to leave The Gelded Seahorse by security staff because he refused to sit down to drink like a baby.

He told two of the bouncers to get fucked, the other he just nodded respectfully at and said ‘you’re only doing your job, pal,’.

While Gary was and probably still is quite intoxicated, he knew that if he was going to survive the morning working at Rhodes Avenue Super Cheap Auto, he was going to need to get something in his tummy before Mr Sandman held the power button down on the back of his head.

“I got a sausage roll, a quiche and a gold Powerade,” he told our reporter.

“Gez, you guys must be hard-pressed to find news if you’re talking to me about visiting the servo on the way home from the pub. I mean, if you really want to know, I got all the food down and most of the Powerade but pretty much as soon as I got home, I threw up. All up the wall of the hall; on the floor. I slipped on the jarrah floorboards and vomited all down myself,”

“Do you think that’ll be a good story?”

Our reporter shrugged and wondered if now is the right time to make the switch over the public relations, abandoning all hope of regional journalism, or maybe going to work for some braindead local politician.

It was a long drive back to the newsroom. The photographer kept trying to talk about the Formula 1 while our reporter fantasised about steering The Advocate’s brand new MG ZS into a gum tree.

More to come.


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