EFFIE BATEMAN Lifestyle Contact

In some exciting news for Brisbanites, it’s now been announced that the Fortitude Valley cab rank will be the official judo venue for the 2032 Olympics, which has been described by committee leader John Hayes as a ‘natural decision.’

Though the original plan was to host the fights outside of the Treasury Casino, it’s alleged the tender documents were mysteriously misplaced on more than one occasion, which the local government has blamed on staffing issues and poor file management.

This has led to the Olympic committee scoping out potential venues across the city, eventually deciding upon the infamous cab rank, with a pre qualifying round to occur near the train station.

What’s more, is that the committee expects the audience numbers to reach max capacity, as they plan on hosting the fights at roughly 1am in the morning on a Saturday night with at least twenty police officers supervising each fight – even encouraging those participating to sling a few insults such as ‘what are you looking at ya fucking dog cunt’, to attract the interest of passersby.

However, McWhirter residents are reported to be quite unhappy with the decision, seeing as their apartments have already seen a drop in value due to the incredibly loud Fortitude Music Hall, and the fact that they already have to wade through Macca’s chips and 18 year old girl’s vomit to get to the front entrance.

The Valley cops, on the other hand, are said to be ‘absolutely delighted’ with the outcome, as sending half their staff to monitor two old homeless men have a verbal altercation ‘gets really boring after a while.’

More to come.


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