13 November, 2015. 10:05
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
SAM GREENBRANCH SAID he had the holiday of a lifetime ahead of him. While most of his friends took the easy road out and headed to Europe for the cheaper off-season holiday, the 24-year-old data entry specialist decided last minute to spend his allocated two weeks holiday in the United States.
He was duly impressed by the social grandeur and the portion size. But there was one byproduct of the hedonistic American lifestyle he hadn’t counted on.
The first meal to greet him on the other side of the equator was his QANTAS salmon lunch he’d enjoyed somewhere over Micronesia. While a simple and often pleasant task in Australia, Sam directed himself to the nearest restroom after landing in Los Angeles yesterday.
What he didn’t count on was the amount of water necessary to fill an American toilet.
Wasting little time, Sam said he didn’t have to wait long until the contents of his lower intestine divorced him, via his anus. It was quick and clean – leaving most of his other more important assets intact. However, after the evacuation concluded, Sam did what any other civilised Westernised man would do. He pulled out close to two dozen sheets from the toilet roll dispenser and proceeded to clean himself with former rainforest.
But this was the first time he’d shat on US soil.
Sam plunged his hand deep into his own murky brew, leaving him thankful that it was his own muck – and not somebody else’s.
“I’m not going to let it ruin my holiday,” said Sam via satellite phone. “But I just don’t understand why there’s so much water in the bowl to begin with?”
UCLA professor Greg Stool had this to say.
“Americans are afraid,” he said. “Afraid of going to the toilet and having someone hear them sigh immediately before the plop.”
Mr Greenbranch is expected to make a full recovery. Doctors have asked him to refrain from pooing in American toilets for the time being, but to shit in a urinal – because that’s what Australian blokes to on tour.