6 May, 2016. 11:45
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
THINKING HE WAS THE smartest man in the world, friendly North Betoota piss wreck Deverell Slacks ordered a pair of Heely shoes online to wheel himself home from the pub each night.
He’s disqualified from driving until 2070 – a result of being pinged for DUI over twenty times.
Left with no other option, as his last DUI charge came from riding his son’s Sector 9 longboard home from the bowling club.
Prior to that charge, Slacks was convicted of operating a horse while intoxicated and public urination.
“Nobody told me that you couldn’t ride a pony home blind,” he said.
“And the public urination charge came from the fact that the cunt of a thing wouldn’t let me off without shying away like the fucking thing it is. So I just flopped it out and pissed down its shoulder. Then the fucking cops turned and fuck.”
But then the casual woodwork teacher had a brainwave.
He’s seen some kids down in more cosmopolitan parts of the state, like Ipswich and Logan, wearing this flash shoes with wheels on the bottom of them.
So he ordered some online and before he knew it, he was wheeling himself around town.
Though now he’s sporting twin broken wrists are failing to get the hang of it straight away, he thought he’d finally outsmarted the local policeman.
“Turns out getting a gutful of piss in you then pulling on your Heelys for the ride home is against the law,” yelled Slacks.
“And it’s bloody hard to stay upright on those bastards after you’ve had a couple. I’m always swooshing me arms around like a willow tree in a windstorm, trying to keep me balance,”
“Look at the state of me though, mate. I’ve got two broken wrists and bark all off up my arse and legs. These fucking Heelys will be the death of me. I’m too old to keep falling over like some drunk punk kid.”
Late last night, Deverell was charged with DUI after being found Heely-ing down Duckworth Street in North Betoota. Police say he was covered in gravel and bleeding from the scalp when he was pulled over.
He blew .145 and later registered .159 at the police station.
His rooted pair of Heelys were confiscated by authorities and impounded until Mr Slacks pays his outstanding fines.